Hey all

sorry I haven't posted lately. people found out, and warned my parents. my parents have already had to deal with a fucked up daughter that cut, I don't want them to have to put up with a fucked up daughter that cuts and has an eating problem. so, I feel like i'm eating too much every time I take a bite of food, but i can't tell if I'm just telling myself that or if I really am over eating. either way, today I'm somewhere between 141 or 140. it's 5:50 am, so I can't go weigh myself. I really want to. in a way I was kind of recovering.. but eating makes me feel like throwing up. so I've kind of been avoiding you guys, because i wanted to make my parents happy. but making me happy matters more. I'm only five pounds away from a normal bmi. i've never been at a normal bmi, always overweight or obese. I was obese.. I can feel myself getting pulled back in. yeah, i've had relapses, but for the past week it's like wth are you doing. don't eat that. don't eat. where the hell have you been?

i've been rotting in my own mind. i hate myself. but at least I haven't gained weight. oh yeah, and guys.. yesterday was my one year Anaversary. ANAversary. get it? hahahaha. i'm too funny. a year ago today, I was almost 40 pounds heavier. actually, about 30 pounds. I tell myself 40 to make myself feel better.

oh, but for the good news.. I've always worn a size 13+ pair of jeans (kind of baggy... because I like baggy) but yesterday I fit almost perfectly into a size 10, and by ALMOST perfectly, I mean they were also a bit baggy. and the other day my mom said to me, "you need to go through your closet and throw out all the clothes that are too big."

that might not sound like much, but for my whole life it's been that same sentence, but with a one word replacement. yep, you got it, small. take out the clothes that are too small. oh, and I got a pottermore account today. I only got it because 1 mil get to try it out before it comes out publicly, and I had nothing better to do. in all honesty, I hate harry potter lol.