sorry

I haven't posted much :( I've been really binge-y for the past few weeks it seems.

But I've lost, so it's okay. I'm 144.4, hopefully tomorrow I'll be low 143 or 142. Then a day after that I can be out of the 140's. Soo close, it's driving me crazy.

Eleven days til April, March has been an okay month, I've been up and down. I just need to lose these four pounds in eleven days, not hard. And another goal was to get shorts when I'm 140... but I think that's still a little high to get shorts. I'll scoot that reward back so that when I lose more weight my shorts won't bag on me as much.

goal post

I think it's time for me to start thinking about rewards.

Main goal to work for- 130 or lower before school ends- New dress for main school dance.

140- Summer shorts

145- By the thirteenth. In other words, Sunday. Company pictures for dance are on Sunday, and I get my company leotard tomorrow. If I'm not 145 by picture time, BIG consequences.

135- feels so far away. Anyway, when I'm 135 I'll ask mama for another piercing. Sounds good to me, you better work for that dress and piercing, fat ass. :)

It's a good day to fast.

Oh, and another main goal? In April, I better be out of the 140's. April 9th and 10th is our spring ballet, Giselle.

edit: I was just checking bmi websites and realized, that since I'm so short, a normal weight for someone my height is basically around everyone elses goal weights. 100 for my height is BARELY underweight. This information depresses me, yet makes me want to try harder. grrr, why must I be so short.

wooooo!

146.4 :) Yesterday I ate though... like, I hate myself for what I ate. I ate a couple spoonfuls of beans, and 3/4 of a turkey sandwich.. yeah, vegetarian failure. Anyway, I ate that at noonish, which irks me because I specifically skipped school so I could fast. But, that was all I ate for a few hours, then around 9 pm I had half a cookie from McDonald's.. my mom bought a bag of three though, so one half is good.

Today is going well, I've only been awake for about three hours, no school today, but my mom came home with a sandwich. You're probably thinking, oh, she ate it. Nah, it's pleasantly sitting in the trash can, unopened. Gunna have a piece of gum though, so when I go work out when my parents leave I won't be tempted to eat.

Oh, and 146.4 :)

back in the ballgame!

as the title would imply, I have been good these past few days. I started getting really motivated and started a kinda new diet.. well, it's not really that. But I chew a lot of gum, which the cals add up FAST, but ehh, easy to burn. And yeaah that helps. And if I don't have any gum then when I get home from school I have a fruit snack, 80 cals, and no dinner. So not including the cals from the gum, it figured it equals about 300 calories because everyone fucking gives me their fruit at lunch, but yeah, and I still have some breathing room before 500, just in case. And I've been doing hella good :)  I also wrote 10 on my wrist, reminding me to lose 10 pounds, which I think I already explained.. but yeah! And now, for the revealing moment...

147.4! Dun dun dunn! I know it's not good, but for the first time in a month or so, I'm past 148. And tomorrow, I might even beat my LW! It feels good to be back, guys. Really good. The number on my wrist yesterday was nine, because I started at 151 and I waited until 150 to change the number, so now, instead of the number being 8, it's 7!

Happiness aside, now I must get ready for school. :)

I will.

I WILL lose 10 pounds this March. Late start, I know, but I will. I'll write down ten on my wrist and when I lose a pound I'll cross it out and write 9 under it, so on and so forth.

Let' see if this works, I'm sick of seeing 150 on my scale.

FUCK.. I'm going to her house. the one that eats. and claims to not eat.

she mentioned ice cream..

URRFFFGGGHHHHHH

rant..

She thinks she has an eating disorder. SHE THINKS SHE HAS A MOTHER FUCKING ED.

Everyday, I watch her at lunch. I watch her eat the thousands of calories, every hour. I watch her gain. I watch her get FAT.

She says, "I eat enough at school so my friends don't notice." ... I honestly think that if you tell someone early in your ED than you're just doing it for attention, which isn't bad.. we all do shit for attention sometimes. But then she said, "sometimes I can't even finish my favorite meals my mom makes me"  SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS. You WANT to eat the food.. soo fucking bad. SO BAD. You look at it in wonder, you know how good it tastes, yet you don't eat it. That's the difference. But in my case, I usually cave. But atleast I burnt over 1100 calories today :) Dance and such.

This morning I was at 148, and I ate 500 calories or such at 8. Really hoping for a loss. Please, I'm so fucking sick of surrendering to food, I've been doing so good for the past few days........