angry rant

angry as fuck. damn. I just.. ugh. I'm not even on my period. I need to starve back to not having it. ugh. but seriously. everyone pisses me the fuck off, it's just really proved who I can trust. which is no one. no. fucking. one. you can try to act like you actually understand and care, but no one does. not her, not him, no one. if you actually did care, you wouldn't do the shit that pisses me off. you always say you care. you always try to. but deep down? you're a low life. a selfish fucking bitch. I'm closing myself off, permanently. if I hang out with someone, it will be meaningless. so meaningless to the point of them not wanting to be with me. I just want to get drunk and stoned off my ass, I want to party. none of this "relationship" shit, friendship or more. it's all fake. no "love". that's fucking fiction. no friends, no love, nothing but party and not feeling my fucking face. fuck you and your fake ass. you wouldn't care if I died. no one would. don't lie.

ugh I just have NOT had a good week. or day. especially day. I made myself throw up for the first time today and I actually liked it. now my hands smell like a mixture of puke and weed. which is another thing. I haven't gone even 12 hours for the last week without smoking weed. what have I come to? where am I going? I just keep telling myself every night that once I kill myself everything will be fine. but then I wake up. I'm such a failure. a fat fucking failure. I have so much homework and it's all done this week. how can I be typing all this and having a normal conversation at the same time? I need to cut. now My hands are going to smell like blood, weed, and puke... why can't I be normal? why can't I kill myself.

trigger warning

i just.. I can't do this anymore. i'm on the edge of breaking, shattering, to the point of no return. i'm willing myself to die and I want to tonight, I wish it worked like that. what would they say? what would they do? i'm breaking

he meant nothing. all those memories, all those wasted nights and wasted tears over a span of 6 months meant NOTHING to him. they're all I thnk about and now i can't even think without i cna't i just.. i can't even... maybe he'd love a skinny girl. i know he does. i can be her. i will, if it means winning him. i can change i want and need him, why would he do this to me and break my heart for the thousandth time.. i need to talk to someone i need to do something why can't i just move on. does he want to hurt me? he'.. ican't i don't

Update

I'm at 134.4-weighed myself at 5 pm, when I woke up, so it might be a bit off- :) I'm really proud, considering I've been stuck in the 140's for a whole year almost. It was so easy to lose the weight in the 140's, I'd get off track and then for the next week I'd be determined, lose a pound per day, be close to the 130's, then fuck up and repeat the cycle. In about four pounds though I'm gonna see the 120's and when that day comes.. I will literally cry. You have to be 120 to be in partnering, so if I see that I'm even in the 120's.. I will tell my mom I'm getting a tattoo for my 16th. She can't hold me back, she knows how long I've been struggling with my weight. And that tattoo will look amazing. I have 11 months to get to 115 (and lower.. depends on where I'm happy at.) I'm so motivated, I want to grab my pointe shoes and dance, burn cals, but I can't find my other gel pad :(

I'll look more later.