angry rant

angry as fuck. damn. I just.. ugh. I'm not even on my period. I need to starve back to not having it. ugh. but seriously. everyone pisses me the fuck off, it's just really proved who I can trust. which is no one. no. fucking. one. you can try to act like you actually understand and care, but no one does. not her, not him, no one. if you actually did care, you wouldn't do the shit that pisses me off. you always say you care. you always try to. but deep down? you're a low life. a selfish fucking bitch. I'm closing myself off, permanently. if I hang out with someone, it will be meaningless. so meaningless to the point of them not wanting to be with me. I just want to get drunk and stoned off my ass, I want to party. none of this "relationship" shit, friendship or more. it's all fake. no "love". that's fucking fiction. no friends, no love, nothing but party and not feeling my fucking face. fuck you and your fake ass. you wouldn't care if I died. no one would. don't lie.

ugh I just have NOT had a good week. or day. especially day. I made myself throw up for the first time today and I actually liked it. now my hands smell like a mixture of puke and weed. which is another thing. I haven't gone even 12 hours for the last week without smoking weed. what have I come to? where am I going? I just keep telling myself every night that once I kill myself everything will be fine. but then I wake up. I'm such a failure. a fat fucking failure. I have so much homework and it's all done this week. how can I be typing all this and having a normal conversation at the same time? I need to cut. now My hands are going to smell like blood, weed, and puke... why can't I be normal? why can't I kill myself.