angry rant

angry as fuck. damn. I just.. ugh. I'm not even on my period. I need to starve back to not having it. ugh. but seriously. everyone pisses me the fuck off, it's just really proved who I can trust. which is no one. no. fucking. one. you can try to act like you actually understand and care, but no one does. not her, not him, no one. if you actually did care, you wouldn't do the shit that pisses me off. you always say you care. you always try to. but deep down? you're a low life. a selfish fucking bitch. I'm closing myself off, permanently. if I hang out with someone, it will be meaningless. so meaningless to the point of them not wanting to be with me. I just want to get drunk and stoned off my ass, I want to party. none of this "relationship" shit, friendship or more. it's all fake. no "love". that's fucking fiction. no friends, no love, nothing but party and not feeling my fucking face. fuck you and your fake ass. you wouldn't care if I died. no one would. don't lie.

ugh I just have NOT had a good week. or day. especially day. I made myself throw up for the first time today and I actually liked it. now my hands smell like a mixture of puke and weed. which is another thing. I haven't gone even 12 hours for the last week without smoking weed. what have I come to? where am I going? I just keep telling myself every night that once I kill myself everything will be fine. but then I wake up. I'm such a failure. a fat fucking failure. I have so much homework and it's all done this week. how can I be typing all this and having a normal conversation at the same time? I need to cut. now My hands are going to smell like blood, weed, and puke... why can't I be normal? why can't I kill myself.

trigger warning

i just.. I can't do this anymore. i'm on the edge of breaking, shattering, to the point of no return. i'm willing myself to die and I want to tonight, I wish it worked like that. what would they say? what would they do? i'm breaking

he meant nothing. all those memories, all those wasted nights and wasted tears over a span of 6 months meant NOTHING to him. they're all I thnk about and now i can't even think without i cna't i just.. i can't even... maybe he'd love a skinny girl. i know he does. i can be her. i will, if it means winning him. i can change i want and need him, why would he do this to me and break my heart for the thousandth time.. i need to talk to someone i need to do something why can't i just move on. does he want to hurt me? he'.. ican't i don't

Update

I'm at 134.4-weighed myself at 5 pm, when I woke up, so it might be a bit off- :) I'm really proud, considering I've been stuck in the 140's for a whole year almost. It was so easy to lose the weight in the 140's, I'd get off track and then for the next week I'd be determined, lose a pound per day, be close to the 130's, then fuck up and repeat the cycle. In about four pounds though I'm gonna see the 120's and when that day comes.. I will literally cry. You have to be 120 to be in partnering, so if I see that I'm even in the 120's.. I will tell my mom I'm getting a tattoo for my 16th. She can't hold me back, she knows how long I've been struggling with my weight. And that tattoo will look amazing. I have 11 months to get to 115 (and lower.. depends on where I'm happy at.) I'm so motivated, I want to grab my pointe shoes and dance, burn cals, but I can't find my other gel pad :(

I'll look more later.

sorry I've been so... gone. i've just been so depressed lately. on the bright side, I'm 137. that's lower than i've ever been.

Hey all

sorry I haven't posted lately. people found out, and warned my parents. my parents have already had to deal with a fucked up daughter that cut, I don't want them to have to put up with a fucked up daughter that cuts and has an eating problem. so, I feel like i'm eating too much every time I take a bite of food, but i can't tell if I'm just telling myself that or if I really am over eating. either way, today I'm somewhere between 141 or 140. it's 5:50 am, so I can't go weigh myself. I really want to. in a way I was kind of recovering.. but eating makes me feel like throwing up. so I've kind of been avoiding you guys, because i wanted to make my parents happy. but making me happy matters more. I'm only five pounds away from a normal bmi. i've never been at a normal bmi, always overweight or obese. I was obese.. I can feel myself getting pulled back in. yeah, i've had relapses, but for the past week it's like wth are you doing. don't eat that. don't eat. where the hell have you been?

i've been rotting in my own mind. i hate myself. but at least I haven't gained weight. oh yeah, and guys.. yesterday was my one year Anaversary. ANAversary. get it? hahahaha. i'm too funny. a year ago today, I was almost 40 pounds heavier. actually, about 30 pounds. I tell myself 40 to make myself feel better.

oh, but for the good news.. I've always worn a size 13+ pair of jeans (kind of baggy... because I like baggy) but yesterday I fit almost perfectly into a size 10, and by ALMOST perfectly, I mean they were also a bit baggy. and the other day my mom said to me, "you need to go through your closet and throw out all the clothes that are too big."

that might not sound like much, but for my whole life it's been that same sentence, but with a one word replacement. yep, you got it, small. take out the clothes that are too small. oh, and I got a pottermore account today. I only got it because 1 mil get to try it out before it comes out publicly, and I had nothing better to do. in all honesty, I hate harry potter lol.

Heller

just thought I'd update, since it's been a while. I'm doing.. okay I guess. my weight is, well.. when are we ever okay with our weight? lol. I'm in the low 140's, which is why I haven't updated much recently because I'm so sick of telling everyone on here that I'm still fat. That I'm still disappointing you all. but I still read your entries <3 I have a goal of reaching 120 by august. that'd be a complete year almost since I started restricting my calorie intake and also the month of auditions for the Nutcracker, pretty ballerina's must be pretty. and pretty means skinny. I'm motivated right now, and I've found a wonderful account on tumbler that is a great motivator, lists workouts, tips to stop binges and MUCH more. http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/

btw, Summer 2011 :)