blast from the past.

Anyway, fasting day today. Going well so far, it's 7:10 pm. I'll go to sleep soon and call it a successful few hours of sitting in my room. I'm dizzy and my stomach hurts, but this feeling is better than eating. I want to go run on my elliptical, but I'm afraid that if I leave my room I'll eat. And that is unacceptable. I WILL make my fucking goal weight, dammit!!! I'm sick of all this backtracking. Don't you dare eat, you fucking pig.

I'm sick of being able to feel my hips, my collarbones, my ribs and other bones, yet having them covered in fat. Layer after layer of it. I want to see them, I want to be able to have them stick out.

The biggest inspiration is ballet. For our ballet, there's a place where the music is double timed. I seemed to be the only one who's face was red and breathing heavily. Why can't I fucking do this? If I catch my breath she'll think I'm not ready for it..

Oh god, I can hear someone messing around in the kitchen.. I know, if they're making supper, I'll break. I'll eat all I can get my paws on, like a fucking animal. A fat fucking animal. Time to fall asleep, I've been writing this for more than 20 minutes, and if I'm asleep I can't eat. But I need a shower...

....

and then I look at all the beautiful pictures of models, and I know all this starving is worth it. <3

Completely exhausted

as the title would assume, I exercised til I shook.. which I still am.. god, this feels good! What would make it better was if my stomach were growling and I burned more than 330 calories.. yeah, I know, pitiful, but I'm too weak to carry on.

when I'm skinny, I'll be able to burn more.

But on the bright side, one of my work outs ealier in the week burned 1020 cals, and the day after that 500. But, alas, the next day I took a break. Which brings us to today, with our low total of 330 calories. I'm sad because I didn't make my goal of 145 on Friday.. god, why can't I do anything right?????? I need to get rid of these disgusting layers of fat, I wish they would just dissapear overnight. But then again, if they did, then we wouldn't have all the individuality in the world.. we'd probably be even more obsessed with body image.. Ah, who cares, just get this useless, ugly, nasty shit off of me!

:)

Really good weekend so far. I'm at 148, we just got the elliptical up and running, and I'm gonna start a liquid fast from now until hopefully Tuesday, or whenever. It just depends on if my parents want to eat a dinner together or not, since I don't have school till Wednesday. And on Friday is when I'm suppose to hit my 145 goal weight, which I'm feeling pretty good about. <3 Looking through thinspo, already defeated the urge to binge while in the kitchen getting some water earlier, and to my surprise, it was really easy. I gotta good feeling about today, hopefully no one asks me to spend the night.. especially A.. I mean, I love her to death but we always fucking eat every .5 seconds. And she doesn't even realize how many calories and fat and jfieorfrefk. And I found out today that she's gained like, ten pounds since about two months ago. Pay back's a bitch, you make me feel like a fat cow and now who's the fat cow :D... well, still me, but soon I won't be. In fact, pants that I wore in 6th grade are starting to fit me now, not comfortably, but hey, atleast they'll button.

Our ballet is coming up soon, and I know I couldn't stand to see me ruin yet another costume because of my fatness ever again.

See you later, lovelies. <3

depressing post.

I'm crying, and for once it's not about my weight. No, I'm crying tears of happiness. I'm reading Tumblr blogs of SI and ana, and I'm basically reading every single one of my thoughts on here. I understand the feeling of alone-ness now... before I read these, I never considered myself alone. I always knew in the back of my head, everyone's had these thoughts before, it's not like I'm the first or only one. I'm not unique for feeling this way, it's ordinary. but now.. after reading these.. I understand so much more in depth now. I understand that while I'm looking at a girl that seems like.. for example, a stoner, I could judge that she uses it as an outlet and never think anything of it again. But for all I know, she could have Schizophrenia or something, or even an ed. While our lives seem completely separate, we're all the same. It's just.. shocking to realize that a complete stranger's life sounds like a replica of mine, and she's so much older and wiser too. I know older people always look down on younger people, I do it too. I don't know why we do, but just because they're younger doesn't mean they don't have the same thoughts as you or the same problems. Some of the wisest people you meet might very well be the youngest. If I ever showed this to an older person, they'd probably skim it or not even pretend to read it and say something along the lines of, "Oh, that's nice honey." Well, fuck you too. I will continue my secret life, feeling much more secure knowing I'm not alone. Knowing I can have help when I feel down, even if I have to get it from complete strangers.

After that depressing thought, I bid you all farewell.. Let's hope for 149 :)

woohoo!

I'd say today was a pretty good day, I'm back at 150.. I gained a pound from all that valentines chocolate.. So today I ate ... more chocolate.. a fun size twix, fun size milky way, a few truffles and a chocolate covered strawberry. Oh and a Dove.. but about three of those I couldn't prevent, and they happened pretty early in the day, plus I just got out of dance, I'm soo hungry. And we just got an elliptical, I'm soo freaking happy. I can work out and work out and it'll be all good since it's in my own house.. Yay!

I know I've done nothing good today to deserve it, but please take me out of the 150's... I've been here since January.. Anyway, February 25th I'm going to a Kid Rock concert and I've rearranged my goal to be 145 or less by then. So I have about a week, and hopefully I'll wake up 149 tomorrow.

I really need to stop sitting with J at lunch.. I rearranged my salad so that it was color coded lightest to darkest green in the bowl today, and she asked me... "Do you get hungry?" And she's the friend that always notices me not eating.. she points it out almost daily and A always replies with, "Oh, don't worry, she totally binges after school."

it kills me when she says that. My 'binge' today was like, three truffles after school. One truffle and one chocolate covered strawberry at my music lesson. I wonder what she'll say when she realizes I don't binge after school anymore.

Good news is that today at school I had a dizzy spell.. is it weird that I missed those? To me, dizziness means weight loss. Therefore, dizziness is amazing. I don't consider today a good day food-wise, but then I read some other people's ana journals and they talk about how they went over 1000 calories diet and I'm just.. I don't know. They probably have a bigger metabolism than me, cause I swear mine is microscopic. If I eat over 500 I gain a pound. I've always been like this. I wish I could be able to eat 1000 calories and lose weight. I wish I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want. But those are just silly wishes in a much bigger picture.. Do I want to eat this and then suffer for it later? If I eat this, will I regret it later? Of course you will, and you should. Eating like that.. god, fat ass.
the sad thing is that when I binge that is constantly going through my head, but I just really don't care. I think to myself, this is what normal, healthy girls do.. I'm growing, I need food, this is normal for others..
Yeah, but Bretta, you're not normal. Or healthy. You're an ugly, overweight pig. I'm surprised you have any friends, and next to them, you're the ugly friend. The one that makes them instantly look ten thousand times better when you're put next to them.

I will change this.. I will strive for THEM to be the ugly ones.. I will be beautiful, even more so when put next to a model. They will finally see what it feels like to constantly look down on your body, while I'm falling out of my skin, my bones and I flying away into the night. Of course, you lovely ladies are all invited. Together, we will lose this weight. We WILL be beautiful.

...

To anyone that kept their self control yesterday, I salute you.. I doubt very many did. I felt really strong.. then I caved. And I went from 148 that morning back to 150 this morning.. ugh. And I probably can't keep my cool when there's chocolates in my safe haven, my favorite kinds... I already had some this morning... UGGH.

Why does the enemy have to taste sooo good? I just want to be thin.

I wouldn't trust it!

I've been really thinspired lately.. and I've been reading her blog. I don't know yet if i want to say something to her, knowing that if I do she will most likely read this.. Sorry for freaking out a couple blogs ago, I didn't expect any of my friends willing to dedicate this much to beauty, and I NEVER expected to find their blog on here before.. Hmm, she must've had the same idea as me.

I'm at 149.6 this morning, and I just had pilates.. surprisingly, it was really easy, despite the side pains.. and I just had this huge sneezing fit and that hurt soo bad.. Anyway, I'm gonna try to fast for the next couple of days to try and break my pattern, but I don't think I'll make it very far because my mom and I are baking a homemade apple pie.. not my idea. but I picked out granny smith apples, so hopefully it'll be too tart to eat. :D

He'll never love me, and I know it's because I'm too fucking fat. No one could ever even like those huge thighs that rub and rub and rub. No one could ever like a stomach full of lard. Jiggly arms. Fat face. Lard... what a disgusting word. It fits me perfectly...

Sigh, he wasn't there. But it makes me feel better because him and his girlfriend broke up this week... then he got suspended for three days (grounded). Today I ate .... god, a lot. But I couldn't help it, my fucking mother was staring me down. I ate scrambled eggs, hash browns, a crepe and fruit.. and some yogurt? I don't know. It was at iHop. And I ate it at like.. fourish. That's all I've had today and my stomach is growling now, and I roller skated for about three hours so that probably burned.. and I thankfully avoided a mental breakdown. I don't know what I would do without my friends Aprille and Jamie. I love them so much.

I've been having abdominal pains lately.. around my kidney. And I have to go to the bathroom a lot more. God, something big is probably wrong.. ugh I feel like crying some more... Can you burn calories crying? I'm such a fucking pig. I really hope my stomach feels better tomorrow, I NEED to go to pilates.

My older brother said people have been telling him for the past few weeks about how much I've improved. And we got the cast list, I'm a villager, which is really good considering I'm not the same thing as the junior company girls. I really hope she sees how much I'm trying.

The other day I was thinking about how many calories I was burning while dancing, then I thought to myself.. I'm not dancing to lose weight, I'm losing weight to dance. because no one wants to see a fucking cow try to dance in spandex.

night my lovely ladies.


http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/24437

Oh my...

I just found one of my friends blogs on here about her anorexia... this is crazy. I was looking through the blogs I follow, and one of the comment's pictures looked like her. I thought, wow, that's funny! So I went to her profile and sure enough, it was her. What are the odds, huh?? Gosh.. now I kinda wish I didn't give out my name. And I won't comment on other blogs, sorry. I really don't want her to find my blog. I really don't want her to find my blog. Mostly because I've only lost twenty pounds and I'm still at freaking 150 and she's on 119. I feel so fucking fat.

It's crazy, she was my first best friend and now I'm stalking her blog. I would follow but that'd be waaaay to obvious, and now I haven't talked to her in forever... and.... I don't know. God, why do my parents want to suddenly eat together?! That's why I'm hovering in the 150 area. help!!

Low Self Esteem

Okay, I know I haven't updated much, and I'm sorry, but I've just been back and forth. I need to spend less time with friends, I eat like a fucking pig around them Anyway, here are before and after pictures... kind of, at my highest weights and my current weights.

before

before [very left :( ]after (today)

after [today.. :( ]

after (yesterday)

Okay... the first picture is of me in a toddler swing at this park by my house a few years ago. See the bulge and the fat thighs?? UGGH. And the shirt that has a picture of FOOD on it?? And because of the shorts it looks like I have a dick. Second picture is of me and my cousins at a wedding.. I mostly posted it because.. well, how fat my face is and my horrible arms. And that BULGE.

The third one is the first after picture, just so you guys can kind of see how much fat is gone in my face and arms. And that yes, I grew my hair longer. I never realized how fat I looked with short hair. Next... oh god, next... you get it. Me, now. And the last picture I kind of like... I don't know why. It was taken last night, and it was funny because I was emotionally eating again.. because he wasn't there.. but that's beside the point. I told my friends to slap me if they saw me with food and they agreed instantly. After that I thought to myself, in order to be able to eat less around friends (my main problem), instead of keeping my weight loss to myself, I'll tell them all I'm on a strict diet, and they won't be worried because they all know I'm a whale. So I can tell everyone I'm on a diet and they won't care until I'm skinny. Anyway, the last picture is the after put together. Me wearing normal clothes with my arms.. looking better.

IN CONCLUSION... I realize I have SOOOOO far to go, I'm most definitely not stopping here. But I posted this just so you guys could have the general idea of where I came and how far I've come.. that and to give me inspiration to eat less. 150 today.

In other news, I'm not showing my face in pictures anymore. Told everyone is was a trademark. In reality, I cringe whenever I'm by a mirror, I mentally kill myself in pictures and the idea of my face makes me vomit in my mouth. 

Snow :)

As a lot of people know, this hella big snow storm is happening. So today was a snow day.. Which means that I don't need to eat lunch to make the people at school think I'm eating regularly, and that there's no after school binge again because I've been surrounded by all this food all day! I woke up at around 3:30 ish because I had to wake up early my whole weekend. I really hope school gets cancelled again tomorrow, because tomorrow is baked potato day at school. But, a good thing about that is that I've stopped using ranch. Yaay.

Yesterday... gosh, yesterday was... well all in all good kinda? Started off with my weight being 149, and I ate an apple for lunch. A para saw my plate and asked if that was all I was gonna eat, so I made this big excuse about having an amazing omelette for breakfast and not being very hungry. And I mean I had all the stops out, I knew what kind it was gonna be and who made it and why I don't regularly eat breakfast, which she ended up asking anyway. She completely bought it. Cha-chiiiing! Plus, if you're wondering, one day when I was seriously hungry and craving an omelette I asked for it and they never made it. I daydream about food, no joke, but the only good thing about that is that the very same day I asked for the omelette, I didn't binge afterward. So, continuing with yesterday, I came home and had a huge junk food binge. I ate a lot of grapes, I made ramen (but threw it away :D), and I ate a lot of Nacho Cheese Doritos and Lays Barbecue chips.. It's really scary having a binge if you think about it. I knew all the calories and junk I was shoving in my mouth, but I didn't care. I knew I'd pay for it. I knew I'd never be skinny if I kept it up. I knew I'd never have my dream role in future ballets, I'd be a fat pig sitting in the audience, yet I kept on. Ew.  Anyway, right after the binge I practiced pointe work for about an hour till my parents got home.. That's the only bad thing about snow days, I can't practice pointe because the only hardwood floor I can practice on is upstairs and my mom yells about it being loud from downstairs.... Needless to say, I can't practice upstairs when anyone is home. So after school I usually practice, and yesterday I also had a pointe class at the studio. :) I really love ballet.

And today was good. All I've had so far was some grapes, and I've been listening to my stomach rumble. It's like music to my ears.

Oh, and I was 148 today! Yay.. For a February goal, I'll try for 145 and beyond for Valentines day. I can do this!