He'll never love me, and I know it's because I'm too fucking fat. No one could ever even like those huge thighs that rub and rub and rub. No one could ever like a stomach full of lard. Jiggly arms. Fat face. Lard... what a disgusting word. It fits me perfectly...

Sigh, he wasn't there. But it makes me feel better because him and his girlfriend broke up this week... then he got suspended for three days (grounded). Today I ate .... god, a lot. But I couldn't help it, my fucking mother was staring me down. I ate scrambled eggs, hash browns, a crepe and fruit.. and some yogurt? I don't know. It was at iHop. And I ate it at like.. fourish. That's all I've had today and my stomach is growling now, and I roller skated for about three hours so that probably burned.. and I thankfully avoided a mental breakdown. I don't know what I would do without my friends Aprille and Jamie. I love them so much.

I've been having abdominal pains lately.. around my kidney. And I have to go to the bathroom a lot more. God, something big is probably wrong.. ugh I feel like crying some more... Can you burn calories crying? I'm such a fucking pig. I really hope my stomach feels better tomorrow, I NEED to go to pilates.

My older brother said people have been telling him for the past few weeks about how much I've improved. And we got the cast list, I'm a villager, which is really good considering I'm not the same thing as the junior company girls. I really hope she sees how much I'm trying.

The other day I was thinking about how many calories I was burning while dancing, then I thought to myself.. I'm not dancing to lose weight, I'm losing weight to dance. because no one wants to see a fucking cow try to dance in spandex.

night my lovely ladies.


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