Anyway, fasting day today. Going well so far, it's 7:10 pm. I'll go to sleep soon and call it a successful few hours of sitting in my room. I'm dizzy and my stomach hurts, but this feeling is better than eating. I want to go run on my elliptical, but I'm afraid that if I leave my room I'll eat. And that is unacceptable. I WILL make my fucking goal weight, dammit!!! I'm sick of all this backtracking. Don't you dare eat, you fucking pig.
I'm sick of being able to feel my hips, my collarbones, my ribs and other bones, yet having them covered in fat. Layer after layer of it. I want to see them, I want to be able to have them stick out.
The biggest inspiration is ballet. For our ballet, there's a place where the music is double timed. I seemed to be the only one who's face was red and breathing heavily. Why can't I fucking do this? If I catch my breath she'll think I'm not ready for it..
Oh god, I can hear someone messing around in the kitchen.. I know, if they're making supper, I'll break. I'll eat all I can get my paws on, like a fucking animal. A fat fucking animal. Time to fall asleep, I've been writing this for more than 20 minutes, and if I'm asleep I can't eat. But I need a shower...
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