woohoo!

I'd say today was a pretty good day, I'm back at 150.. I gained a pound from all that valentines chocolate.. So today I ate ... more chocolate.. a fun size twix, fun size milky way, a few truffles and a chocolate covered strawberry. Oh and a Dove.. but about three of those I couldn't prevent, and they happened pretty early in the day, plus I just got out of dance, I'm soo hungry. And we just got an elliptical, I'm soo freaking happy. I can work out and work out and it'll be all good since it's in my own house.. Yay!

I know I've done nothing good today to deserve it, but please take me out of the 150's... I've been here since January.. Anyway, February 25th I'm going to a Kid Rock concert and I've rearranged my goal to be 145 or less by then. So I have about a week, and hopefully I'll wake up 149 tomorrow.

I really need to stop sitting with J at lunch.. I rearranged my salad so that it was color coded lightest to darkest green in the bowl today, and she asked me... "Do you get hungry?" And she's the friend that always notices me not eating.. she points it out almost daily and A always replies with, "Oh, don't worry, she totally binges after school."

it kills me when she says that. My 'binge' today was like, three truffles after school. One truffle and one chocolate covered strawberry at my music lesson. I wonder what she'll say when she realizes I don't binge after school anymore.

Good news is that today at school I had a dizzy spell.. is it weird that I missed those? To me, dizziness means weight loss. Therefore, dizziness is amazing. I don't consider today a good day food-wise, but then I read some other people's ana journals and they talk about how they went over 1000 calories diet and I'm just.. I don't know. They probably have a bigger metabolism than me, cause I swear mine is microscopic. If I eat over 500 I gain a pound. I've always been like this. I wish I could be able to eat 1000 calories and lose weight. I wish I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want. But those are just silly wishes in a much bigger picture.. Do I want to eat this and then suffer for it later? If I eat this, will I regret it later? Of course you will, and you should. Eating like that.. god, fat ass.
the sad thing is that when I binge that is constantly going through my head, but I just really don't care. I think to myself, this is what normal, healthy girls do.. I'm growing, I need food, this is normal for others..
Yeah, but Bretta, you're not normal. Or healthy. You're an ugly, overweight pig. I'm surprised you have any friends, and next to them, you're the ugly friend. The one that makes them instantly look ten thousand times better when you're put next to them.

I will change this.. I will strive for THEM to be the ugly ones.. I will be beautiful, even more so when put next to a model. They will finally see what it feels like to constantly look down on your body, while I'm falling out of my skin, my bones and I flying away into the night. Of course, you lovely ladies are all invited. Together, we will lose this weight. We WILL be beautiful.