Not So Bad!

Well.. today wasn't bad. It wasn't good, but eh.

I started the day by weighing myself. 152.4. ugh. So I went to school, and on my way to lunch I was talking to some friends. I parted ways to go to the salad bar, and the school counsellor pulled me aside and said, "Have you lost weight?" I was ecstatic. I replied with, "Yeah, you can tell?" and she said, "You bet cha! You look skinny!" I smiled and thanked her while walking away. That's honestly the first comment I've gotten since losing the twenty pounds! So while I was congratulating myself, the voice in the back of my head kept whispering, you're too fat. you're not skinny ENOUGH. And oh, believe me, I know. I have WAYS to go. You know how people refer to her as Ana? The voice in her head? Well, I want to give her a name. So, from now on, she'll be Faye. I've always wished for that to be my name. It's such a beautiful name, fitting for how beautiful I will be in the future.

Anyway, I ate about five small pieces of lettuce, about four pineapple chunks and some bites off an apple. Not bad I guess, but there's always room for improvement. So 77 calories in the apple + About 50 in pineapple = 127. Ew. Well, then I continued with school. I started feeling dizzy near the end, so when I got home.. I admit, I binged a bit. But the good news is that most of it didn't make it to my mouth. I tried to eat about two brownies, only half of one actually made it. Spit the rest out. So, I'd say we add about 120 calories. 247 calories so far. And I ate a few bites of apple. Lets say.. about 30 calories. 277. I fell asleep, my dizziness overcoming me.

I woke up to my mom reminding me that I need to go to viola. That was horrific. I had my first pop in about two months, because I MISTAKENLY told them I was dizzy. Way to raise suspicion over my lack of food. I didn't finish it. Faye stayed with me through it all, whispering how many dead calories I was shamelessly absorbing. Ick. So I managed to avoid going to Symphony. I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed home and worked out a bit, but mostly stayed on the computer. For about four hours I've been looking up thinspo and watching ED movies. (so far, The Best Little Girl In The World and A Secret Between Friends. I tried Hunger Point but I couldn't connect.) About an hour ago they ordered pizza, and they know I don't eat junk food so they always try to get me wings. (they hate the vegetarian in me.) All in the trash. All of it. :D  My ultimate thinspo is thinking about him. About how thin his girlfriend is.

So this is my lesson to drink more water I suppose. I hate how I can't talk about this with my friends. I won't even try, they couldn't begin to understand my dedication to beauty. To thin. Fellow ana's, you and Faye are all I need. And definitely no food. Or calories.

On another bright note, I'm completely revolted by the brownies now. Which is good, they're one of my biggest temptations. My after school binges are the worse. Any tips on how to get past them??