same.

Not a good day, not a bad day. At lunch I ate half of a granny smith apple and half of a smaller red delicious. Aprille's fault. I even told her as I was in line with my salad that I had an apple but she grabbed one for me anyway.. note to self, don't get yourself an apple. It was kind of funny though, she used to be thin. Not beautiful, not even close, but didn't have a lot of flab. She was really sick, and now, about a year later, she eats all of the time and she's gained so much weight, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a blimp next year. And of course she always bragged, "Oh I wear size 0 jeans!" or "I lost nine pounds this week!" at least twice a day. Now, it's more like, "hey, wanna get something to eat?" So it was very inspiring to look over and see that she had a chicken sandwich bathing in mayonnaise and other fatty foods while I had a bin full of lettuce, pickles and an apple. I only ate about three pieces of lettuce (my daily apples are too much) and about six pickle slices,  hearing that they have zero calories and are great for binges. I've also been going to the nurses office for about five or ten minutes of lunch, which really helps. Bad news is that she's moving out of state and I'll never see her again, and that's too bad, I really like the school nurse :(

So my after school binges... hnmfp. I told you guys about how my mom's been sick, right? Well, she's had the flu, so my dad has been taking off work early to pick me up from school lately. I usually walk, I live under a mile away, but it's freezing outside. So he says he's going to Wendy's because my mom felt better and wanted a baked potato. (speaking of which, it's baked potato day tomorrow. wish me luck!) So we pulled up and he asked if I wanted anything, I said no of course, and then I heard him order the fries..... Oh, those fries.. I can't explain how good they are. Wendy's fries, asian food, and sweets are my weak spot. So I had a few.. and we got home and they insisted I sit down with them and talk about driving, so I did... and dad offered me the rest of his fries and a bite of his sandwich... which I took. Uggh, at least it was spicy. Anyway, they started getting mad and saying that I said I wasn't hungry so I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. with Oreo cookies. The sweets kill me... I'm scared to think of how much that is... well, shit. I know I went over 500 calories.. I feel like crying. I weighed in as 150 exactly this morning. I hate this. Why can't fat just magically disappear??

I don't know if I wrote this, but back in 5th grade I was 150. That was the first time I ever felt self conscious about my weight..  And on Monday my ballet instructor stood by me during a combination and said, "Bretta, you're body's changed so much since Christmas!"  Funny, that was when I was flying through the 150's. I barely remember being between 154 and 160, I just remember waking up and being really happy for losing a couple pounds, then I started to get dizzy... Well, hopefully I can do the same with the 140's. It's insane for me to actually hope and know that I am so close to being a normal weight, after being overweight my whole freaking life. It's phenomenal. and with that ppj sandwich I know I probably gained pound after pound.. it's depressing.

I find the best thinspo for me to look at is a really fat chick next to a thin one. It shocks me.

And I can't talk lately, it started when we were reviewing the Underground Railroad and I said it as The Underground Wailwoad multiple times, and paper as 'paepaw'.

(this one amazes me.)

Sorry for the novel lol, a lot on my mind. I'm gonna start looking at thinspo in the mornings so it can be on my mind the entire day, I usually look at it after school.. binges haha... Well, hope for a better day tomorrow :) night beauties!