Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Hey all
sorry I haven't posted lately. people found out, and warned my parents. my parents have already had to deal with a fucked up daughter that cut, I don't want them to have to put up with a fucked up daughter that cuts and has an eating problem. so, I feel like i'm eating too much every time I take a bite of food, but i can't tell if I'm just telling myself that or if I really am over eating. either way, today I'm somewhere between 141 or 140. it's 5:50 am, so I can't go weigh myself. I really want to. in a way I was kind of recovering.. but eating makes me feel like throwing up. so I've kind of been avoiding you guys, because i wanted to make my parents happy. but making me happy matters more. I'm only five pounds away from a normal bmi. i've never been at a normal bmi, always overweight or obese. I was obese.. I can feel myself getting pulled back in. yeah, i've had relapses, but for the past week it's like wth are you doing. don't eat that. don't eat. where the hell have you been?
i've been rotting in my own mind. i hate myself. but at least I haven't gained weight. oh yeah, and guys.. yesterday was my one year Anaversary. ANAversary. get it? hahahaha. i'm too funny. a year ago today, I was almost 40 pounds heavier. actually, about 30 pounds. I tell myself 40 to make myself feel better.
oh, but for the good news.. I've always worn a size 13+ pair of jeans (kind of baggy... because I like baggy) but yesterday I fit almost perfectly into a size 10, and by ALMOST perfectly, I mean they were also a bit baggy. and the other day my mom said to me, "you need to go through your closet and throw out all the clothes that are too big."
that might not sound like much, but for my whole life it's been that same sentence, but with a one word replacement. yep, you got it, small. take out the clothes that are too small. oh, and I got a pottermore account today. I only got it because 1 mil get to try it out before it comes out publicly, and I had nothing better to do. in all honesty, I hate harry potter lol.
i've been rotting in my own mind. i hate myself. but at least I haven't gained weight. oh yeah, and guys.. yesterday was my one year Anaversary. ANAversary. get it? hahahaha. i'm too funny. a year ago today, I was almost 40 pounds heavier. actually, about 30 pounds. I tell myself 40 to make myself feel better.
oh, but for the good news.. I've always worn a size 13+ pair of jeans (kind of baggy... because I like baggy) but yesterday I fit almost perfectly into a size 10, and by ALMOST perfectly, I mean they were also a bit baggy. and the other day my mom said to me, "you need to go through your closet and throw out all the clothes that are too big."
that might not sound like much, but for my whole life it's been that same sentence, but with a one word replacement. yep, you got it, small. take out the clothes that are too small. oh, and I got a pottermore account today. I only got it because 1 mil get to try it out before it comes out publicly, and I had nothing better to do. in all honesty, I hate harry potter lol.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Heller
just thought I'd update, since it's been a while. I'm doing.. okay I guess. my weight is, well.. when are we ever okay with our weight? lol. I'm in the low 140's, which is why I haven't updated much recently because I'm so sick of telling everyone on here that I'm still fat. That I'm still disappointing you all. but I still read your entries <3 I have a goal of reaching 120 by august. that'd be a complete year almost since I started restricting my calorie intake and also the month of auditions for the Nutcracker, pretty ballerina's must be pretty. and pretty means skinny. I'm motivated right now, and I've found a wonderful account on tumbler that is a great motivator, lists workouts, tips to stop binges and MUCH more. http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/
btw, Summer 2011 :)
btw, Summer 2011 :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
sorry
I haven't posted much :( I've been really binge-y for the past few weeks it seems.
But I've lost, so it's okay. I'm 144.4, hopefully tomorrow I'll be low 143 or 142. Then a day after that I can be out of the 140's. Soo close, it's driving me crazy.
Eleven days til April, March has been an okay month, I've been up and down. I just need to lose these four pounds in eleven days, not hard. And another goal was to get shorts when I'm 140... but I think that's still a little high to get shorts. I'll scoot that reward back so that when I lose more weight my shorts won't bag on me as much.
But I've lost, so it's okay. I'm 144.4, hopefully tomorrow I'll be low 143 or 142. Then a day after that I can be out of the 140's. Soo close, it's driving me crazy.
Eleven days til April, March has been an okay month, I've been up and down. I just need to lose these four pounds in eleven days, not hard. And another goal was to get shorts when I'm 140... but I think that's still a little high to get shorts. I'll scoot that reward back so that when I lose more weight my shorts won't bag on me as much.
Friday, March 11, 2011
goal post
I think it's time for me to start thinking about rewards.
Main goal to work for- 130 or lower before school ends- New dress for main school dance.
140- Summer shorts
145- By the thirteenth. In other words, Sunday. Company pictures for dance are on Sunday, and I get my company leotard tomorrow. If I'm not 145 by picture time, BIG consequences.
135- feels so far away. Anyway, when I'm 135 I'll ask mama for another piercing. Sounds good to me, you better work for that dress and piercing, fat ass. :)
It's a good day to fast.
Oh, and another main goal? In April, I better be out of the 140's. April 9th and 10th is our spring ballet, Giselle.
edit: I was just checking bmi websites and realized, that since I'm so short, a normal weight for someone my height is basically around everyone elses goal weights. 100 for my height is BARELY underweight. This information depresses me, yet makes me want to try harder. grrr, why must I be so short.
Main goal to work for- 130 or lower before school ends- New dress for main school dance.
140- Summer shorts
145- By the thirteenth. In other words, Sunday. Company pictures for dance are on Sunday, and I get my company leotard tomorrow. If I'm not 145 by picture time, BIG consequences.
135- feels so far away. Anyway, when I'm 135 I'll ask mama for another piercing. Sounds good to me, you better work for that dress and piercing, fat ass. :)
It's a good day to fast.
Oh, and another main goal? In April, I better be out of the 140's. April 9th and 10th is our spring ballet, Giselle.
edit: I was just checking bmi websites and realized, that since I'm so short, a normal weight for someone my height is basically around everyone elses goal weights. 100 for my height is BARELY underweight. This information depresses me, yet makes me want to try harder. grrr, why must I be so short.
wooooo!
146.4 :) Yesterday I ate though... like, I hate myself for what I ate. I ate a couple spoonfuls of beans, and 3/4 of a turkey sandwich.. yeah, vegetarian failure. Anyway, I ate that at noonish, which irks me because I specifically skipped school so I could fast. But, that was all I ate for a few hours, then around 9 pm I had half a cookie from McDonald's.. my mom bought a bag of three though, so one half is good.
Today is going well, I've only been awake for about three hours, no school today, but my mom came home with a sandwich. You're probably thinking, oh, she ate it. Nah, it's pleasantly sitting in the trash can, unopened. Gunna have a piece of gum though, so when I go work out when my parents leave I won't be tempted to eat.
Oh, and 146.4 :)
Today is going well, I've only been awake for about three hours, no school today, but my mom came home with a sandwich. You're probably thinking, oh, she ate it. Nah, it's pleasantly sitting in the trash can, unopened. Gunna have a piece of gum though, so when I go work out when my parents leave I won't be tempted to eat.
Oh, and 146.4 :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
back in the ballgame!
as the title would imply, I have been good these past few days. I started getting really motivated and started a kinda new diet.. well, it's not really that. But I chew a lot of gum, which the cals add up FAST, but ehh, easy to burn. And yeaah that helps. And if I don't have any gum then when I get home from school I have a fruit snack, 80 cals, and no dinner. So not including the cals from the gum, it figured it equals about 300 calories because everyone fucking gives me their fruit at lunch, but yeah, and I still have some breathing room before 500, just in case. And I've been doing hella good :) I also wrote 10 on my wrist, reminding me to lose 10 pounds, which I think I already explained.. but yeah! And now, for the revealing moment...
147.4! Dun dun dunn! I know it's not good, but for the first time in a month or so, I'm past 148. And tomorrow, I might even beat my LW! It feels good to be back, guys. Really good. The number on my wrist yesterday was nine, because I started at 151 and I waited until 150 to change the number, so now, instead of the number being 8, it's 7!
Happiness aside, now I must get ready for school. :)
147.4! Dun dun dunn! I know it's not good, but for the first time in a month or so, I'm past 148. And tomorrow, I might even beat my LW! It feels good to be back, guys. Really good. The number on my wrist yesterday was nine, because I started at 151 and I waited until 150 to change the number, so now, instead of the number being 8, it's 7!
Happiness aside, now I must get ready for school. :)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I will.
I WILL lose 10 pounds this March. Late start, I know, but I will. I'll write down ten on my wrist and when I lose a pound I'll cross it out and write 9 under it, so on and so forth.
Let' see if this works, I'm sick of seeing 150 on my scale.
Let' see if this works, I'm sick of seeing 150 on my scale.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
rant..
She thinks she has an eating disorder. SHE THINKS SHE HAS A MOTHER FUCKING ED.
Everyday, I watch her at lunch. I watch her eat the thousands of calories, every hour. I watch her gain. I watch her get FAT.
She says, "I eat enough at school so my friends don't notice." ... I honestly think that if you tell someone early in your ED than you're just doing it for attention, which isn't bad.. we all do shit for attention sometimes. But then she said, "sometimes I can't even finish my favorite meals my mom makes me" SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS. You WANT to eat the food.. soo fucking bad. SO BAD. You look at it in wonder, you know how good it tastes, yet you don't eat it. That's the difference. But in my case, I usually cave. But atleast I burnt over 1100 calories today :) Dance and such.
This morning I was at 148, and I ate 500 calories or such at 8. Really hoping for a loss. Please, I'm so fucking sick of surrendering to food, I've been doing so good for the past few days........
Everyday, I watch her at lunch. I watch her eat the thousands of calories, every hour. I watch her gain. I watch her get FAT.
She says, "I eat enough at school so my friends don't notice." ... I honestly think that if you tell someone early in your ED than you're just doing it for attention, which isn't bad.. we all do shit for attention sometimes. But then she said, "sometimes I can't even finish my favorite meals my mom makes me" SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS. You WANT to eat the food.. soo fucking bad. SO BAD. You look at it in wonder, you know how good it tastes, yet you don't eat it. That's the difference. But in my case, I usually cave. But atleast I burnt over 1100 calories today :) Dance and such.
This morning I was at 148, and I ate 500 calories or such at 8. Really hoping for a loss. Please, I'm so fucking sick of surrendering to food, I've been doing so good for the past few days........
Sunday, February 27, 2011
blast from the past.
Anyway, fasting day today. Going well so far, it's 7:10 pm. I'll go to sleep soon and call it a successful few hours of sitting in my room. I'm dizzy and my stomach hurts, but this feeling is better than eating. I want to go run on my elliptical, but I'm afraid that if I leave my room I'll eat. And that is unacceptable. I WILL make my fucking goal weight, dammit!!! I'm sick of all this backtracking. Don't you dare eat, you fucking pig.
I'm sick of being able to feel my hips, my collarbones, my ribs and other bones, yet having them covered in fat. Layer after layer of it. I want to see them, I want to be able to have them stick out.
The biggest inspiration is ballet. For our ballet, there's a place where the music is double timed. I seemed to be the only one who's face was red and breathing heavily. Why can't I fucking do this? If I catch my breath she'll think I'm not ready for it..
Oh god, I can hear someone messing around in the kitchen.. I know, if they're making supper, I'll break. I'll eat all I can get my paws on, like a fucking animal. A fat fucking animal. Time to fall asleep, I've been writing this for more than 20 minutes, and if I'm asleep I can't eat. But I need a shower...
I'm sick of being able to feel my hips, my collarbones, my ribs and other bones, yet having them covered in fat. Layer after layer of it. I want to see them, I want to be able to have them stick out.
The biggest inspiration is ballet. For our ballet, there's a place where the music is double timed. I seemed to be the only one who's face was red and breathing heavily. Why can't I fucking do this? If I catch my breath she'll think I'm not ready for it..
Oh god, I can hear someone messing around in the kitchen.. I know, if they're making supper, I'll break. I'll eat all I can get my paws on, like a fucking animal. A fat fucking animal. Time to fall asleep, I've been writing this for more than 20 minutes, and if I'm asleep I can't eat. But I need a shower...
....
and then I look at all the beautiful pictures of models, and I know all this starving is worth it. <3
Friday, February 25, 2011
Completely exhausted
as the title would assume, I exercised til I shook.. which I still am.. god, this feels good! What would make it better was if my stomach were growling and I burned more than 330 calories.. yeah, I know, pitiful, but I'm too weak to carry on.
when I'm skinny, I'll be able to burn more.
But on the bright side, one of my work outs ealier in the week burned 1020 cals, and the day after that 500. But, alas, the next day I took a break. Which brings us to today, with our low total of 330 calories. I'm sad because I didn't make my goal of 145 on Friday.. god, why can't I do anything right?????? I need to get rid of these disgusting layers of fat, I wish they would just dissapear overnight. But then again, if they did, then we wouldn't have all the individuality in the world.. we'd probably be even more obsessed with body image.. Ah, who cares, just get this useless, ugly, nasty shit off of me!
when I'm skinny, I'll be able to burn more.
But on the bright side, one of my work outs ealier in the week burned 1020 cals, and the day after that 500. But, alas, the next day I took a break. Which brings us to today, with our low total of 330 calories. I'm sad because I didn't make my goal of 145 on Friday.. god, why can't I do anything right?????? I need to get rid of these disgusting layers of fat, I wish they would just dissapear overnight. But then again, if they did, then we wouldn't have all the individuality in the world.. we'd probably be even more obsessed with body image.. Ah, who cares, just get this useless, ugly, nasty shit off of me!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
:)
Really good weekend so far. I'm at 148, we just got the elliptical up and running, and I'm gonna start a liquid fast from now until hopefully Tuesday, or whenever. It just depends on if my parents want to eat a dinner together or not, since I don't have school till Wednesday. And on Friday is when I'm suppose to hit my 145 goal weight, which I'm feeling pretty good about. <3 Looking through thinspo, already defeated the urge to binge while in the kitchen getting some water earlier, and to my surprise, it was really easy. I gotta good feeling about today, hopefully no one asks me to spend the night.. especially A.. I mean, I love her to death but we always fucking eat every .5 seconds. And she doesn't even realize how many calories and fat and jfieorfrefk. And I found out today that she's gained like, ten pounds since about two months ago. Pay back's a bitch, you make me feel like a fat cow and now who's the fat cow :D... well, still me, but soon I won't be. In fact, pants that I wore in 6th grade are starting to fit me now, not comfortably, but hey, atleast they'll button.
Our ballet is coming up soon, and I know I couldn't stand to see me ruin yet another costume because of my fatness ever again.
See you later, lovelies. <3
Our ballet is coming up soon, and I know I couldn't stand to see me ruin yet another costume because of my fatness ever again.
See you later, lovelies. <3
Thursday, February 17, 2011
depressing post.
I'm crying, and for once it's not about my weight. No, I'm crying tears of happiness. I'm reading Tumblr blogs of SI and ana, and I'm basically reading every single one of my thoughts on here. I understand the feeling of alone-ness now... before I read these, I never considered myself alone. I always knew in the back of my head, everyone's had these thoughts before, it's not like I'm the first or only one. I'm not unique for feeling this way, it's ordinary. but now.. after reading these.. I understand so much more in depth now. I understand that while I'm looking at a girl that seems like.. for example, a stoner, I could judge that she uses it as an outlet and never think anything of it again. But for all I know, she could have Schizophrenia or something, or even an ed. While our lives seem completely separate, we're all the same. It's just.. shocking to realize that a complete stranger's life sounds like a replica of mine, and she's so much older and wiser too. I know older people always look down on younger people, I do it too. I don't know why we do, but just because they're younger doesn't mean they don't have the same thoughts as you or the same problems. Some of the wisest people you meet might very well be the youngest. If I ever showed this to an older person, they'd probably skim it or not even pretend to read it and say something along the lines of, "Oh, that's nice honey." Well, fuck you too. I will continue my secret life, feeling much more secure knowing I'm not alone. Knowing I can have help when I feel down, even if I have to get it from complete strangers.
After that depressing thought, I bid you all farewell.. Let's hope for 149 :)
woohoo!
I'd say today was a pretty good day, I'm back at 150.. I gained a pound from all that valentines chocolate.. So today I ate ... more chocolate.. a fun size twix, fun size milky way, a few truffles and a chocolate covered strawberry. Oh and a Dove.. but about three of those I couldn't prevent, and they happened pretty early in the day, plus I just got out of dance, I'm soo hungry. And we just got an elliptical, I'm soo freaking happy. I can work out and work out and it'll be all good since it's in my own house.. Yay!
I know I've done nothing good today to deserve it, but please take me out of the 150's... I've been here since January.. Anyway, February 25th I'm going to a Kid Rock concert and I've rearranged my goal to be 145 or less by then. So I have about a week, and hopefully I'll wake up 149 tomorrow.
I really need to stop sitting with J at lunch.. I rearranged my salad so that it was color coded lightest to darkest green in the bowl today, and she asked me... "Do you get hungry?" And she's the friend that always notices me not eating.. she points it out almost daily and A always replies with, "Oh, don't worry, she totally binges after school."
it kills me when she says that. My 'binge' today was like, three truffles after school. One truffle and one chocolate covered strawberry at my music lesson. I wonder what she'll say when she realizes I don't binge after school anymore.
Good news is that today at school I had a dizzy spell.. is it weird that I missed those? To me, dizziness means weight loss. Therefore, dizziness is amazing. I don't consider today a good day food-wise, but then I read some other people's ana journals and they talk about how they went over 1000 calories diet and I'm just.. I don't know. They probably have a bigger metabolism than me, cause I swear mine is microscopic. If I eat over 500 I gain a pound. I've always been like this. I wish I could be able to eat 1000 calories and lose weight. I wish I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want. But those are just silly wishes in a much bigger picture.. Do I want to eat this and then suffer for it later? If I eat this, will I regret it later? Of course you will, and you should. Eating like that.. god, fat ass.
the sad thing is that when I binge that is constantly going through my head, but I just really don't care. I think to myself, this is what normal, healthy girls do.. I'm growing, I need food, this is normal for others..
Yeah, but Bretta, you're not normal. Or healthy. You're an ugly, overweight pig. I'm surprised you have any friends, and next to them, you're the ugly friend. The one that makes them instantly look ten thousand times better when you're put next to them.
I will change this.. I will strive for THEM to be the ugly ones.. I will be beautiful, even more so when put next to a model. They will finally see what it feels like to constantly look down on your body, while I'm falling out of my skin, my bones and I flying away into the night. Of course, you lovely ladies are all invited. Together, we will lose this weight. We WILL be beautiful.
I know I've done nothing good today to deserve it, but please take me out of the 150's... I've been here since January.. Anyway, February 25th I'm going to a Kid Rock concert and I've rearranged my goal to be 145 or less by then. So I have about a week, and hopefully I'll wake up 149 tomorrow.
I really need to stop sitting with J at lunch.. I rearranged my salad so that it was color coded lightest to darkest green in the bowl today, and she asked me... "Do you get hungry?" And she's the friend that always notices me not eating.. she points it out almost daily and A always replies with, "Oh, don't worry, she totally binges after school."
it kills me when she says that. My 'binge' today was like, three truffles after school. One truffle and one chocolate covered strawberry at my music lesson. I wonder what she'll say when she realizes I don't binge after school anymore.
Good news is that today at school I had a dizzy spell.. is it weird that I missed those? To me, dizziness means weight loss. Therefore, dizziness is amazing. I don't consider today a good day food-wise, but then I read some other people's ana journals and they talk about how they went over 1000 calories diet and I'm just.. I don't know. They probably have a bigger metabolism than me, cause I swear mine is microscopic. If I eat over 500 I gain a pound. I've always been like this. I wish I could be able to eat 1000 calories and lose weight. I wish I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want. But those are just silly wishes in a much bigger picture.. Do I want to eat this and then suffer for it later? If I eat this, will I regret it later? Of course you will, and you should. Eating like that.. god, fat ass.
the sad thing is that when I binge that is constantly going through my head, but I just really don't care. I think to myself, this is what normal, healthy girls do.. I'm growing, I need food, this is normal for others..
Yeah, but Bretta, you're not normal. Or healthy. You're an ugly, overweight pig. I'm surprised you have any friends, and next to them, you're the ugly friend. The one that makes them instantly look ten thousand times better when you're put next to them.
I will change this.. I will strive for THEM to be the ugly ones.. I will be beautiful, even more so when put next to a model. They will finally see what it feels like to constantly look down on your body, while I'm falling out of my skin, my bones and I flying away into the night. Of course, you lovely ladies are all invited. Together, we will lose this weight. We WILL be beautiful.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
...
To anyone that kept their self control yesterday, I salute you.. I doubt very many did. I felt really strong.. then I caved. And I went from 148 that morning back to 150 this morning.. ugh. And I probably can't keep my cool when there's chocolates in my safe haven, my favorite kinds... I already had some this morning... UGGH.
Why does the enemy have to taste sooo good? I just want to be thin.
Why does the enemy have to taste sooo good? I just want to be thin.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I wouldn't trust it!
I've been really thinspired lately.. and I've been reading her blog. I don't know yet if i want to say something to her, knowing that if I do she will most likely read this.. Sorry for freaking out a couple blogs ago, I didn't expect any of my friends willing to dedicate this much to beauty, and I NEVER expected to find their blog on here before.. Hmm, she must've had the same idea as me.
I'm at 149.6 this morning, and I just had pilates.. surprisingly, it was really easy, despite the side pains.. and I just had this huge sneezing fit and that hurt soo bad.. Anyway, I'm gonna try to fast for the next couple of days to try and break my pattern, but I don't think I'll make it very far because my mom and I are baking a homemade apple pie.. not my idea. but I picked out granny smith apples, so hopefully it'll be too tart to eat. :D
I'm at 149.6 this morning, and I just had pilates.. surprisingly, it was really easy, despite the side pains.. and I just had this huge sneezing fit and that hurt soo bad.. Anyway, I'm gonna try to fast for the next couple of days to try and break my pattern, but I don't think I'll make it very far because my mom and I are baking a homemade apple pie.. not my idea. but I picked out granny smith apples, so hopefully it'll be too tart to eat. :D
He'll never love me, and I know it's because I'm too fucking fat. No one could ever even like those huge thighs that rub and rub and rub. No one could ever like a stomach full of lard. Jiggly arms. Fat face. Lard... what a disgusting word. It fits me perfectly...
Sigh, he wasn't there. But it makes me feel better because him and his girlfriend broke up this week... then he got suspended for three days (grounded). Today I ate .... god, a lot. But I couldn't help it, my fucking mother was staring me down. I ate scrambled eggs, hash browns, a crepe and fruit.. and some yogurt? I don't know. It was at iHop. And I ate it at like.. fourish. That's all I've had today and my stomach is growling now, and I roller skated for about three hours so that probably burned.. and I thankfully avoided a mental breakdown. I don't know what I would do without my friends Aprille and Jamie. I love them so much.
I've been having abdominal pains lately.. around my kidney. And I have to go to the bathroom a lot more. God, something big is probably wrong.. ugh I feel like crying some more... Can you burn calories crying? I'm such a fucking pig. I really hope my stomach feels better tomorrow, I NEED to go to pilates.
My older brother said people have been telling him for the past few weeks about how much I've improved. And we got the cast list, I'm a villager, which is really good considering I'm not the same thing as the junior company girls. I really hope she sees how much I'm trying.
The other day I was thinking about how many calories I was burning while dancing, then I thought to myself.. I'm not dancing to lose weight, I'm losing weight to dance. because no one wants to see a fucking cow try to dance in spandex.
night my lovely ladies.
http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/24437
Sigh, he wasn't there. But it makes me feel better because him and his girlfriend broke up this week... then he got suspended for three days (grounded). Today I ate .... god, a lot. But I couldn't help it, my fucking mother was staring me down. I ate scrambled eggs, hash browns, a crepe and fruit.. and some yogurt? I don't know. It was at iHop. And I ate it at like.. fourish. That's all I've had today and my stomach is growling now, and I roller skated for about three hours so that probably burned.. and I thankfully avoided a mental breakdown. I don't know what I would do without my friends Aprille and Jamie. I love them so much.
I've been having abdominal pains lately.. around my kidney. And I have to go to the bathroom a lot more. God, something big is probably wrong.. ugh I feel like crying some more... Can you burn calories crying? I'm such a fucking pig. I really hope my stomach feels better tomorrow, I NEED to go to pilates.
My older brother said people have been telling him for the past few weeks about how much I've improved. And we got the cast list, I'm a villager, which is really good considering I'm not the same thing as the junior company girls. I really hope she sees how much I'm trying.
The other day I was thinking about how many calories I was burning while dancing, then I thought to myself.. I'm not dancing to lose weight, I'm losing weight to dance. because no one wants to see a fucking cow try to dance in spandex.
night my lovely ladies.
http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/24437
Oh my...
I just found one of my friends blogs on here about her anorexia... this is crazy. I was looking through the blogs I follow, and one of the comment's pictures looked like her. I thought, wow, that's funny! So I went to her profile and sure enough, it was her. What are the odds, huh?? Gosh.. now I kinda wish I didn't give out my name. And I won't comment on other blogs, sorry. I really don't want her to find my blog. I really don't want her to find my blog. Mostly because I've only lost twenty pounds and I'm still at freaking 150 and she's on 119. I feel so fucking fat.
It's crazy, she was my first best friend and now I'm stalking her blog. I would follow but that'd be waaaay to obvious, and now I haven't talked to her in forever... and.... I don't know. God, why do my parents want to suddenly eat together?! That's why I'm hovering in the 150 area. help!!
It's crazy, she was my first best friend and now I'm stalking her blog. I would follow but that'd be waaaay to obvious, and now I haven't talked to her in forever... and.... I don't know. God, why do my parents want to suddenly eat together?! That's why I'm hovering in the 150 area. help!!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Low Self Esteem
Okay, I know I haven't updated much, and I'm sorry, but I've just been back and forth. I need to spend less time with friends, I eat like a fucking pig around them Anyway, here are before and after pictures... kind of, at my highest weights and my current weights.
before
before [very left :( ]
after (today)
after [today.. :( ]
after (yesterday)Okay... the first picture is of me in a toddler swing at this park by my house a few years ago. See the bulge and the fat thighs?? UGGH. And the shirt that has a picture of FOOD on it?? And because of the shorts it looks like I have a dick. Second picture is of me and my cousins at a wedding.. I mostly posted it because.. well, how fat my face is and my horrible arms. And that BULGE.
The third one is the first after picture, just so you guys can kind of see how much fat is gone in my face and arms. And that yes, I grew my hair longer. I never realized how fat I looked with short hair. Next... oh god, next... you get it. Me, now. And the last picture I kind of like... I don't know why. It was taken last night, and it was funny because I was emotionally eating again.. because he wasn't there.. but that's beside the point. I told my friends to slap me if they saw me with food and they agreed instantly. After that I thought to myself, in order to be able to eat less around friends (my main problem), instead of keeping my weight loss to myself, I'll tell them all I'm on a strict diet, and they won't be worried because they all know I'm a whale. So I can tell everyone I'm on a diet and they won't care until I'm skinny. Anyway, the last picture is the after put together. Me wearing normal clothes with my arms.. looking better.
IN CONCLUSION... I realize I have SOOOOO far to go, I'm most definitely not stopping here. But I posted this just so you guys could have the general idea of where I came and how far I've come.. that and to give me inspiration to eat less. 150 today.
In other news, I'm not showing my face in pictures anymore. Told everyone is was a trademark. In reality, I cringe whenever I'm by a mirror, I mentally kill myself in pictures and the idea of my face makes me vomit in my mouth.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snow :)
As a lot of people know, this hella big snow storm is happening. So today was a snow day.. Which means that I don't need to eat lunch to make the people at school think I'm eating regularly, and that there's no after school binge again because I've been surrounded by all this food all day! I woke up at around 3:30 ish because I had to wake up early my whole weekend. I really hope school gets cancelled again tomorrow, because tomorrow is baked potato day at school. But, a good thing about that is that I've stopped using ranch. Yaay.
Yesterday... gosh, yesterday was... well all in all good kinda? Started off with my weight being 149, and I ate an apple for lunch. A para saw my plate and asked if that was all I was gonna eat, so I made this big excuse about having an amazing omelette for breakfast and not being very hungry. And I mean I had all the stops out, I knew what kind it was gonna be and who made it and why I don't regularly eat breakfast, which she ended up asking anyway. She completely bought it. Cha-chiiiing! Plus, if you're wondering, one day when I was seriously hungry and craving an omelette I asked for it and they never made it. I daydream about food, no joke, but the only good thing about that is that the very same day I asked for the omelette, I didn't binge afterward. So, continuing with yesterday, I came home and had a huge junk food binge. I ate a lot of grapes, I made ramen (but threw it away :D), and I ate a lot of Nacho Cheese Doritos and Lays Barbecue chips.. It's really scary having a binge if you think about it. I knew all the calories and junk I was shoving in my mouth, but I didn't care. I knew I'd pay for it. I knew I'd never be skinny if I kept it up. I knew I'd never have my dream role in future ballets, I'd be a fat pig sitting in the audience, yet I kept on. Ew. Anyway, right after the binge I practiced pointe work for about an hour till my parents got home.. That's the only bad thing about snow days, I can't practice pointe because the only hardwood floor I can practice on is upstairs and my mom yells about it being loud from downstairs.... Needless to say, I can't practice upstairs when anyone is home. So after school I usually practice, and yesterday I also had a pointe class at the studio. :) I really love ballet.
And today was good. All I've had so far was some grapes, and I've been listening to my stomach rumble. It's like music to my ears.
Oh, and I was 148 today! Yay.. For a February goal, I'll try for 145 and beyond for Valentines day. I can do this!
Yesterday... gosh, yesterday was... well all in all good kinda? Started off with my weight being 149, and I ate an apple for lunch. A para saw my plate and asked if that was all I was gonna eat, so I made this big excuse about having an amazing omelette for breakfast and not being very hungry. And I mean I had all the stops out, I knew what kind it was gonna be and who made it and why I don't regularly eat breakfast, which she ended up asking anyway. She completely bought it. Cha-chiiiing! Plus, if you're wondering, one day when I was seriously hungry and craving an omelette I asked for it and they never made it. I daydream about food, no joke, but the only good thing about that is that the very same day I asked for the omelette, I didn't binge afterward. So, continuing with yesterday, I came home and had a huge junk food binge. I ate a lot of grapes, I made ramen (but threw it away :D), and I ate a lot of Nacho Cheese Doritos and Lays Barbecue chips.. It's really scary having a binge if you think about it. I knew all the calories and junk I was shoving in my mouth, but I didn't care. I knew I'd pay for it. I knew I'd never be skinny if I kept it up. I knew I'd never have my dream role in future ballets, I'd be a fat pig sitting in the audience, yet I kept on. Ew. Anyway, right after the binge I practiced pointe work for about an hour till my parents got home.. That's the only bad thing about snow days, I can't practice pointe because the only hardwood floor I can practice on is upstairs and my mom yells about it being loud from downstairs.... Needless to say, I can't practice upstairs when anyone is home. So after school I usually practice, and yesterday I also had a pointe class at the studio. :) I really love ballet.
And today was good. All I've had so far was some grapes, and I've been listening to my stomach rumble. It's like music to my ears.
Oh, and I was 148 today! Yay.. For a February goal, I'll try for 145 and beyond for Valentines day. I can do this!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Back to Work!
Yesterday was really good, I had advanced pilates in the morning for about forty five minutes and before then I ate a cookie. Nothing else for the rest of the day. Then I had my first company meeting today, and it was amazing. We watched a version of the ballet Giselle, which will be our spring ballet, and we got our "Bigger Sisters" announced, which is basically the older girls being mentors for new members. Mine was Christina, she made me an amazing scrap book, and for every performance we're in together she'll add a page for my scrapbook. :) The bad part was though that we ate. And... I ate. I don't even want to know how many calories. Hopefully I won't be too bad tomorrow, weight wise, because today I was back down to 149.6.
I know a lot of people in the blogs I read are having trouble, and even though I only have one follower, I want to let them know, and anyone else that happens to read this, that I am completely there for them and support them tremendously. Stay strong ladies. <3
P.S. The dancers at our company are gradually getting fatter and fatter. In fact, a lot of people I know are getting fat. I'm inspired to know that I will be reversing what they're going through, and that I didn't binge yesterday at all. I'm proud of how far I've come, and everyone should be proud of themselves, too. But everyone has more room for improvement, so let's all strive to be beautiful. :)
I know a lot of people in the blogs I read are having trouble, and even though I only have one follower, I want to let them know, and anyone else that happens to read this, that I am completely there for them and support them tremendously. Stay strong ladies. <3
P.S. The dancers at our company are gradually getting fatter and fatter. In fact, a lot of people I know are getting fat. I'm inspired to know that I will be reversing what they're going through, and that I didn't binge yesterday at all. I'm proud of how far I've come, and everyone should be proud of themselves, too. But everyone has more room for improvement, so let's all strive to be beautiful. :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Rant
I decided that instead of crying my eyes out trying to sleep, I'd write. Much more productive. so this is kind of a rant.
Basically, I'm so sick of every single skinny girl that's popular. This girl... she's a total bitch at my school. I complimented her hair and she said, "Nah it looks like shit," and continued texting. We kept talking about hair, explaining why mine was in a pony tail and she said, "Yeah, I straightened my hair for about three hours this morning." ...... She was also wearing those fake big nerdy glasses that you get from the 3D films.. you know? And she just went on and on about her life and it's just... she has no fucking idea what it's like to have a hard life. To hate your childhood. She always complains about her step dad being a bitch and whatnot, but I've met him and he's really cool. I wish my dad was an ounce like him. I understand that everyone has a different face in public than they do in private, but her siblings say they love him. How is it that our society is so fucked up that you lie about your past to make it sound more fucked up than it already is.. just to be 'cool'? To 'fit in'? Since when is having disorders, being abused, raped, etc., something that can make you look cool in front of your friends?? It's like a competition, "Oooh, let's see who can have the most fucked up past! Winner tries to become popular!" If they really had deep problems, they wouldn't say it unless they were completely relaxed with it and only said it when they were comfortable, or share with select few. Or state it anonymously! Instead people let a moderated version of their past fly out to anyone that looks their way, expecting a pity party or something but in turn getting their back turned on.
I don't know.. it's just one of those days. I feel much better getting that out. Not inferring that everyone tries to do this, just a lot of bitches that are typically the skinny bitch type. I know it's stereotyping, but I know that not only that type of person does it and not every type of person does. It's just the act in general that pisses me off. Anyway, night all. Happy Thursday.
Basically, I'm so sick of every single skinny girl that's popular. This girl... she's a total bitch at my school. I complimented her hair and she said, "Nah it looks like shit," and continued texting. We kept talking about hair, explaining why mine was in a pony tail and she said, "Yeah, I straightened my hair for about three hours this morning." ...... She was also wearing those fake big nerdy glasses that you get from the 3D films.. you know? And she just went on and on about her life and it's just... she has no fucking idea what it's like to have a hard life. To hate your childhood. She always complains about her step dad being a bitch and whatnot, but I've met him and he's really cool. I wish my dad was an ounce like him. I understand that everyone has a different face in public than they do in private, but her siblings say they love him. How is it that our society is so fucked up that you lie about your past to make it sound more fucked up than it already is.. just to be 'cool'? To 'fit in'? Since when is having disorders, being abused, raped, etc., something that can make you look cool in front of your friends?? It's like a competition, "Oooh, let's see who can have the most fucked up past! Winner tries to become popular!" If they really had deep problems, they wouldn't say it unless they were completely relaxed with it and only said it when they were comfortable, or share with select few. Or state it anonymously! Instead people let a moderated version of their past fly out to anyone that looks their way, expecting a pity party or something but in turn getting their back turned on.
I don't know.. it's just one of those days. I feel much better getting that out. Not inferring that everyone tries to do this, just a lot of bitches that are typically the skinny bitch type. I know it's stereotyping, but I know that not only that type of person does it and not every type of person does. It's just the act in general that pisses me off. Anyway, night all. Happy Thursday.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
same.
Not a good day, not a bad day. At lunch I ate half of a granny smith apple and half of a smaller red delicious. Aprille's fault. I even told her as I was in line with my salad that I had an apple but she grabbed one for me anyway.. note to self, don't get yourself an apple. It was kind of funny though, she used to be thin. Not beautiful, not even close, but didn't have a lot of flab. She was really sick, and now, about a year later, she eats all of the time and she's gained so much weight, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a blimp next year. And of course she always bragged, "Oh I wear size 0 jeans!" or "I lost nine pounds this week!" at least twice a day. Now, it's more like, "hey, wanna get something to eat?" So it was very inspiring to look over and see that she had a chicken sandwich bathing in mayonnaise and other fatty foods while I had a bin full of lettuce, pickles and an apple. I only ate about three pieces of lettuce (my daily apples are too much) and about six pickle slices, hearing that they have zero calories and are great for binges. I've also been going to the nurses office for about five or ten minutes of lunch, which really helps. Bad news is that she's moving out of state and I'll never see her again, and that's too bad, I really like the school nurse :(
So my after school binges... hnmfp. I told you guys about how my mom's been sick, right? Well, she's had the flu, so my dad has been taking off work early to pick me up from school lately. I usually walk, I live under a mile away, but it's freezing outside. So he says he's going to Wendy's because my mom felt better and wanted a baked potato. (speaking of which, it's baked potato day tomorrow. wish me luck!) So we pulled up and he asked if I wanted anything, I said no of course, and then I heard him order the fries..... Oh, those fries.. I can't explain how good they are. Wendy's fries, asian food, and sweets are my weak spot. So I had a few.. and we got home and they insisted I sit down with them and talk about driving, so I did... and dad offered me the rest of his fries and a bite of his sandwich... which I took. Uggh, at least it was spicy. Anyway, they started getting mad and saying that I said I wasn't hungry so I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. with Oreo cookies. The sweets kill me... I'm scared to think of how much that is... well, shit. I know I went over 500 calories.. I feel like crying. I weighed in as 150 exactly this morning. I hate this. Why can't fat just magically disappear??
I don't know if I wrote this, but back in 5th grade I was 150. That was the first time I ever felt self conscious about my weight.. And on Monday my ballet instructor stood by me during a combination and said, "Bretta, you're body's changed so much since Christmas!" Funny, that was when I was flying through the 150's. I barely remember being between 154 and 160, I just remember waking up and being really happy for losing a couple pounds, then I started to get dizzy... Well, hopefully I can do the same with the 140's. It's insane for me to actually hope and know that I am so close to being a normal weight, after being overweight my whole freaking life. It's phenomenal. and with that ppj sandwich I know I probably gained pound after pound.. it's depressing.
I find the best thinspo for me to look at is a really fat chick next to a thin one. It shocks me.
And I can't talk lately, it started when we were reviewing the Underground Railroad and I said it as The Underground Wailwoad multiple times, and paper as 'paepaw'.
(this one amazes me.)Sorry for the novel lol, a lot on my mind. I'm gonna start looking at thinspo in the mornings so it can be on my mind the entire day, I usually look at it after school.. binges haha... Well, hope for a better day tomorrow :) night beauties!
So my after school binges... hnmfp. I told you guys about how my mom's been sick, right? Well, she's had the flu, so my dad has been taking off work early to pick me up from school lately. I usually walk, I live under a mile away, but it's freezing outside. So he says he's going to Wendy's because my mom felt better and wanted a baked potato. (speaking of which, it's baked potato day tomorrow. wish me luck!) So we pulled up and he asked if I wanted anything, I said no of course, and then I heard him order the fries..... Oh, those fries.. I can't explain how good they are. Wendy's fries, asian food, and sweets are my weak spot. So I had a few.. and we got home and they insisted I sit down with them and talk about driving, so I did... and dad offered me the rest of his fries and a bite of his sandwich... which I took. Uggh, at least it was spicy. Anyway, they started getting mad and saying that I said I wasn't hungry so I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. with Oreo cookies. The sweets kill me... I'm scared to think of how much that is... well, shit. I know I went over 500 calories.. I feel like crying. I weighed in as 150 exactly this morning. I hate this. Why can't fat just magically disappear??
I don't know if I wrote this, but back in 5th grade I was 150. That was the first time I ever felt self conscious about my weight.. And on Monday my ballet instructor stood by me during a combination and said, "Bretta, you're body's changed so much since Christmas!" Funny, that was when I was flying through the 150's. I barely remember being between 154 and 160, I just remember waking up and being really happy for losing a couple pounds, then I started to get dizzy... Well, hopefully I can do the same with the 140's. It's insane for me to actually hope and know that I am so close to being a normal weight, after being overweight my whole freaking life. It's phenomenal. and with that ppj sandwich I know I probably gained pound after pound.. it's depressing.
I find the best thinspo for me to look at is a really fat chick next to a thin one. It shocks me.
And I can't talk lately, it started when we were reviewing the Underground Railroad and I said it as The Underground Wailwoad multiple times, and paper as 'paepaw'.
(this one amazes me.)Monday, January 24, 2011
eh.
I have been out of it lately. I really need to get a treadmill, though I prefer the elliptical. Sorry for not posting much lately, very traumatic time right now. Trying to get things under control. I weighed in as 150.2, I was SOOO mad. I finally got out of the 150's, and I'm right back again. Well.. I've been eating more. Stupid emotional eating. Today at lunch I ate a banana, two rolls and three pineapple chunks.. I don't even want to know how much. They were just school rolls, and I'm still working on my carbs. So let's say somewhere in between 100 and 200. Then I came home and I didn't binge for once, but after today I think I need to eat a little after school so I avoid binging at dinner like I kind of did today. I take it for granted that three Oreo cookies are 160 calories. I had two. And an apple. 106 (oreo)+ 53 (apple) + 200 (lunch)= 359. Eww.. on the bright side, I had dance tonight. Tummy rumbled :D
Auditions on Saturday went well. I did okay. hopefully I make it into company and get a good part in Giselle, our next spring ballet.
At lunch I sat with my friend Aprille, Cheyenne, Kourtnie and Meg. I look over and I see Kourtnie doesn't have any lunch. I ask her why and she says that she doesn't eat here and that the food is terrible. At first I was really insanely jealous. I have to sit here and eat, I can't even pretend to eat, and she sits there with no food in front of her, not eating. Then she got up and got a bag of chips from our snack bar.. but she didn't open it. I envy her. A lot. I'm gonna see if I can stay home with a stomach ache tomorrow, stomach ache meaning I can't eat. Hopefully.
I'll get my head back into it soon, and then I'll fast. Night ladies, thanks for all the support. :) <3
Auditions on Saturday went well. I did okay. hopefully I make it into company and get a good part in Giselle, our next spring ballet.
At lunch I sat with my friend Aprille, Cheyenne, Kourtnie and Meg. I look over and I see Kourtnie doesn't have any lunch. I ask her why and she says that she doesn't eat here and that the food is terrible. At first I was really insanely jealous. I have to sit here and eat, I can't even pretend to eat, and she sits there with no food in front of her, not eating. Then she got up and got a bag of chips from our snack bar.. but she didn't open it. I envy her. A lot. I'm gonna see if I can stay home with a stomach ache tomorrow, stomach ache meaning I can't eat. Hopefully.
I'll get my head back into it soon, and then I'll fast. Night ladies, thanks for all the support. :) <3
Saturday, January 22, 2011
horrible.
yesterday... wow, I don't even want to think about it. It was horrible. I'm an emotional eater, as probably everyone is. It was pizza day at lunch, and I got a salad.. it was all good until my friend went and bought an entire pizza. I didn't eat a piece, but I ate like four pizza crust. no idea how many calories. So, I was promising myself to not eat any more today and that I was lucky I ate it at lunch and not dinner. Then I remembered.. they were throwing a party during eighth hour for anyone who doesn't have any tardies/DR's. I went and everyone told me to get a cookie.. so I did... tried to make it last, think about calories and fat.. didn't work. I ate about six cookies.... I can't even say how ashamed I am.
I continued on and got in a big fight with my dad.. like, big. It was about my mom. So then I walked with my friend A, the same one that gives me the apple, to her house in the freezing cold. It wasn't close but it wasn't far away either. So I really hope I burnt more calories. Anyway.. I made it to her house and avoided to eat. I came back home at around 6 and took a shower, then walked for about three hours outside with some friends... made it to the skating rink and there's a line. Oh, and guess who's in it ahead of us with his friends? Yeah. Him. Torture. Anyway, I was good once I got inside.. then a friend made me try these weird candies. I had somewhere around seven.. /facepalm. Anyway, right before we left (around 10:30) I had some skittles. Then I spent the night at A's house.. and she's always fucking eating. At two in the fucking morning I hear, "Hey, wanna go scavenge for food?" I had some Okra.. about 15 pieces. With ketchup. AT TWO!!
So now I'm sitting here blogging, and she's in the bunk under me and my stomach starts growling and she says, ".... what was that?" So now she's probably gonna try to feed me more. I really hate friends like this, but I love her to death.. UGH.
Company auditions are at two till three.. I don't want to weigh myself. And yesterday started out so good!! 148.4! Now I bet I'm 155 or something. Food, I hate you. So much.
And since I don't know how to reply to comments yet because I think it has to do with html codes and I suck with those, I'll try to reply to m4's comment here, hopefully she reads it!: I'm 15 years old and I'm 5'1".
Once I'm not as depressed about my binge day, I'll try to figure out comments.. Post later telling you about how auditions went! Peace.
I continued on and got in a big fight with my dad.. like, big. It was about my mom. So then I walked with my friend A, the same one that gives me the apple, to her house in the freezing cold. It wasn't close but it wasn't far away either. So I really hope I burnt more calories. Anyway.. I made it to her house and avoided to eat. I came back home at around 6 and took a shower, then walked for about three hours outside with some friends... made it to the skating rink and there's a line. Oh, and guess who's in it ahead of us with his friends? Yeah. Him. Torture. Anyway, I was good once I got inside.. then a friend made me try these weird candies. I had somewhere around seven.. /facepalm. Anyway, right before we left (around 10:30) I had some skittles. Then I spent the night at A's house.. and she's always fucking eating. At two in the fucking morning I hear, "Hey, wanna go scavenge for food?" I had some Okra.. about 15 pieces. With ketchup. AT TWO!!
So now I'm sitting here blogging, and she's in the bunk under me and my stomach starts growling and she says, ".... what was that?" So now she's probably gonna try to feed me more. I really hate friends like this, but I love her to death.. UGH.
Company auditions are at two till three.. I don't want to weigh myself. And yesterday started out so good!! 148.4! Now I bet I'm 155 or something. Food, I hate you. So much.
And since I don't know how to reply to comments yet because I think it has to do with html codes and I suck with those, I'll try to reply to m4's comment here, hopefully she reads it!: I'm 15 years old and I'm 5'1".
Once I'm not as depressed about my binge day, I'll try to figure out comments.. Post later telling you about how auditions went! Peace.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Some people..
I really wonder if some people can actually read. Don't waste your time putting up hateful comments, and don't go to the trouble of looking at this if you know what's in it.. it's simple really. So I won't waste my time reading if you're being hateful.
(mostly about personal life)
Anyway, I'm becoming obsessed with Minecraft.. it's extremely fun. I've been playing it for the past six hours. :D (instead of eating!) Sadly, I didn't have dance today. I was really looking forward to it.. I think I'll draw now, I'm not being productive at all by playing computer games. I can't wait till tomorrow so I can see him.. which is weird because ya'll know I don't even talk to him.
I have talked to him before, my friend forced him to text me about seven months ago. I won't even state my opinion on that, but let's say I just really pissed off. Then the same friend forced me to talk to him in person. Scary, and another pissed off moment. As you can see, that's why I assume he thinks I'm a stalker. It's more like.. I really want to talk to him then I accidentally tell someone.. which seems to always be the same friend. She gets sick of me whining and trys to take action herself. If she wouldn't have forced in the first place I would've talked to him a while ago. Now I'm afraid because of what he'll think and I just basically sit there, unhappy because I don't even talk to him, but happy because he's around... it's a horrible feeling, but at the same time I'm ridiculously excited. So why not throw another emotion in? Depressed, because I know that whenever he sees me he sees an ugly, fat cow not worthy of even d;kfjjeiord. I'll stop now.
Today was a fasting day that was unplanned for, unless my mom forces us to go out and eat. That's the worst, sitting there and then they bring out your food and.. I don't know I just lose everything and practically lick the plate clean. On a happier note, I can't stop thinking about how great tomorrow will be :D
I actually look forward to seeing what my weight is tomorrow :) Night ladies!
(mostly about personal life)
Anyway, I'm becoming obsessed with Minecraft.. it's extremely fun. I've been playing it for the past six hours. :D (instead of eating!) Sadly, I didn't have dance today. I was really looking forward to it.. I think I'll draw now, I'm not being productive at all by playing computer games. I can't wait till tomorrow so I can see him.. which is weird because ya'll know I don't even talk to him.
I have talked to him before, my friend forced him to text me about seven months ago. I won't even state my opinion on that, but let's say I just really pissed off. Then the same friend forced me to talk to him in person. Scary, and another pissed off moment. As you can see, that's why I assume he thinks I'm a stalker. It's more like.. I really want to talk to him then I accidentally tell someone.. which seems to always be the same friend. She gets sick of me whining and trys to take action herself. If she wouldn't have forced in the first place I would've talked to him a while ago. Now I'm afraid because of what he'll think and I just basically sit there, unhappy because I don't even talk to him, but happy because he's around... it's a horrible feeling, but at the same time I'm ridiculously excited. So why not throw another emotion in? Depressed, because I know that whenever he sees me he sees an ugly, fat cow not worthy of even d;kfjjeiord. I'll stop now.
Today was a fasting day that was unplanned for, unless my mom forces us to go out and eat. That's the worst, sitting there and then they bring out your food and.. I don't know I just lose everything and practically lick the plate clean. On a happier note, I can't stop thinking about how great tomorrow will be :D
I actually look forward to seeing what my weight is tomorrow :) Night ladies!
Yawnn.
I dreamt about him.. it was a nice dream, until my father woke me up. >:(
Grr I'm practically killing myself wondering why I don't have the balls to talk to him!
Okay.. I will. Tomorrow. this Friday.. if he's ever alone. which is basically why I never try to talk to him.. he's always surrounded by friends.. and girls... it kills me inside. I'm constantly dying because of him. It's like suicide, because I can't fucking get over him. GRRRRRRR.
Anyway, I just woke up. Its a snow day today :D I will hopefully have dance tonight. Company auditions are this Saturday. My goal is to be 150 by then. Now, I'm gonna go check my weight and see how far away I am from my goal. (I bet it's bad.)
...................................................................
OHMYGOSHSAYITAIN'TSO! 150.8! I was expecting 155 or something! Tomorrow, if I'm still 150, I'll post ugly pics. But yay! I guess my new goal is to either maintain 150 till Saturday, or, of course, lose! I tell you, he's a big thinspo to me. I mean, I know I've said this before.. but I mean a year ago I was a fucking fatass 170's cow. Pig. FATASS. And now I've lost about 20 pounds! he must notice, because lately ... no, I won't fill my head/blog with those girl thoughts.
'Oh, he looked at me! He must like me!'
or
'Oh, he sat by me! He must like me!'
Yeah those were my exact thoughts.. stupid teenage hormones. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO.
I'll post later tonight to give you updates on meals, hopefully lack of, and dance. Bye for now. :D
Grr I'm practically killing myself wondering why I don't have the balls to talk to him!
Okay.. I will. Tomorrow. this Friday.. if he's ever alone. which is basically why I never try to talk to him.. he's always surrounded by friends.. and girls... it kills me inside. I'm constantly dying because of him. It's like suicide, because I can't fucking get over him. GRRRRRRR.
Anyway, I just woke up. Its a snow day today :D I will hopefully have dance tonight. Company auditions are this Saturday. My goal is to be 150 by then. Now, I'm gonna go check my weight and see how far away I am from my goal. (I bet it's bad.)
...................................................................
OHMYGOSHSAYITAIN'TSO! 150.8! I was expecting 155 or something! Tomorrow, if I'm still 150, I'll post ugly pics. But yay! I guess my new goal is to either maintain 150 till Saturday, or, of course, lose! I tell you, he's a big thinspo to me. I mean, I know I've said this before.. but I mean a year ago I was a fucking fatass 170's cow. Pig. FATASS. And now I've lost about 20 pounds! he must notice, because lately ... no, I won't fill my head/blog with those girl thoughts.
'Oh, he looked at me! He must like me!'
or
'Oh, he sat by me! He must like me!'
Yeah those were my exact thoughts.. stupid teenage hormones. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO.
I'll post later tonight to give you updates on meals, hopefully lack of, and dance. Bye for now. :D
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I guess its a good thing.
Dizziness is common now, I really don't want to be dizzy. Someone help me!!
Today.... well. Today.. I honestly don't know how today went. Okay? I was okay till lunch! It was baked potato day at lunch and I usually have my baked potato bathe in ranch.. I know that's disgusting. Today, I only at about half, and it only had a little ranch. It was a small baked potato, too. I skipped the first half of lunch in the nurses office, it was a smart idea. I love the nurse, she's so amazing. She helped me get through cutting and she's just all around supportive and awesome.
So after lunch I was fine, luckily my stomach started growling again. Fidgeting is my best friend. <3 So I went to orchestra and I told J, one of my best friends, about being dizzy. Of course, stupid move. I always used to worry about her having an ED and she always screamed at me if I asked how she was doing. So in orchestra she starts screaming at me about my carbs and she going on and on and on and on. Faye's whispering to not worry about it and joke, because now J's telling me that when you don't eat enough, it's called an eating disorder. Faye's going off about how stupid she thinks I am, even though I can tell it's a joke. She's trying to joke but be serious about it at the same time. This is why I have to eat so much during lunch, people watch me. I'm known for my wild gesticulation. Faye told me to ignore her the rest of the hour, which I realize probably rose some suspicion, but I really don't care.
I came home and ate one chip. I tried to eat more but I spat it all out. ALL OF IT! Yaay. I tried to eat a brownie... nooope!! Spat it out! And then I grabbed an apple... can you guess what happened?? Yep, spat it out. :) So today I- Oh my gosh. I totally forgot. My other friend A... ohmygosh. Every day at lunch she gets me an apple??? I never asked for it, she just gets me an apple!! So I add that on to daily calories. sigh. Lemme figure this up..
57+73(holyshitranch!!)+53+95= 278. Give or take a few. But still... holy shit!! not bad but not good!
My mom said she's making 'hash' tonight... I asked what was in it and she replied with a SHIT LOAD of ingredients. she sounded excited. to me, it sounds like a family dinner. What the hell am I suppose to do?! I haven't been trained for family dinners!! Usually dinner just goes in the trash can!! I'm freaking out.
Advice would be appreciated!
Today.... well. Today.. I honestly don't know how today went. Okay? I was okay till lunch! It was baked potato day at lunch and I usually have my baked potato bathe in ranch.. I know that's disgusting. Today, I only at about half, and it only had a little ranch. It was a small baked potato, too. I skipped the first half of lunch in the nurses office, it was a smart idea. I love the nurse, she's so amazing. She helped me get through cutting and she's just all around supportive and awesome.
So after lunch I was fine, luckily my stomach started growling again. Fidgeting is my best friend. <3 So I went to orchestra and I told J, one of my best friends, about being dizzy. Of course, stupid move. I always used to worry about her having an ED and she always screamed at me if I asked how she was doing. So in orchestra she starts screaming at me about my carbs and she going on and on and on and on. Faye's whispering to not worry about it and joke, because now J's telling me that when you don't eat enough, it's called an eating disorder. Faye's going off about how stupid she thinks I am, even though I can tell it's a joke. She's trying to joke but be serious about it at the same time. This is why I have to eat so much during lunch, people watch me. I'm known for my wild gesticulation. Faye told me to ignore her the rest of the hour, which I realize probably rose some suspicion, but I really don't care.
I came home and ate one chip. I tried to eat more but I spat it all out. ALL OF IT! Yaay. I tried to eat a brownie... nooope!! Spat it out! And then I grabbed an apple... can you guess what happened?? Yep, spat it out. :) So today I- Oh my gosh. I totally forgot. My other friend A... ohmygosh. Every day at lunch she gets me an apple??? I never asked for it, she just gets me an apple!! So I add that on to daily calories. sigh. Lemme figure this up..
57+73(holyshitranch!!)+53+95= 278. Give or take a few. But still... holy shit!! not bad but not good!
My mom said she's making 'hash' tonight... I asked what was in it and she replied with a SHIT LOAD of ingredients. she sounded excited. to me, it sounds like a family dinner. What the hell am I suppose to do?! I haven't been trained for family dinners!! Usually dinner just goes in the trash can!! I'm freaking out.
Advice would be appreciated!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Not So Bad!
Well.. today wasn't bad. It wasn't good, but eh.
I started the day by weighing myself. 152.4. ugh. So I went to school, and on my way to lunch I was talking to some friends. I parted ways to go to the salad bar, and the school counsellor pulled me aside and said, "Have you lost weight?" I was ecstatic. I replied with, "Yeah, you can tell?" and she said, "You bet cha! You look skinny!" I smiled and thanked her while walking away. That's honestly the first comment I've gotten since losing the twenty pounds! So while I was congratulating myself, the voice in the back of my head kept whispering, you're too fat. you're not skinny ENOUGH. And oh, believe me, I know. I have WAYS to go. You know how people refer to her as Ana? The voice in her head? Well, I want to give her a name. So, from now on, she'll be Faye. I've always wished for that to be my name. It's such a beautiful name, fitting for how beautiful I will be in the future.
Anyway, I ate about five small pieces of lettuce, about four pineapple chunks and some bites off an apple. Not bad I guess, but there's always room for improvement. So 77 calories in the apple + About 50 in pineapple = 127. Ew. Well, then I continued with school. I started feeling dizzy near the end, so when I got home.. I admit, I binged a bit. But the good news is that most of it didn't make it to my mouth. I tried to eat about two brownies, only half of one actually made it. Spit the rest out. So, I'd say we add about 120 calories. 247 calories so far. And I ate a few bites of apple. Lets say.. about 30 calories. 277. I fell asleep, my dizziness overcoming me.
I woke up to my mom reminding me that I need to go to viola. That was horrific. I had my first pop in about two months, because I MISTAKENLY told them I was dizzy. Way to raise suspicion over my lack of food. I didn't finish it. Faye stayed with me through it all, whispering how many dead calories I was shamelessly absorbing. Ick. So I managed to avoid going to Symphony. I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed home and worked out a bit, but mostly stayed on the computer. For about four hours I've been looking up thinspo and watching ED movies. (so far, The Best Little Girl In The World and A Secret Between Friends. I tried Hunger Point but I couldn't connect.) About an hour ago they ordered pizza, and they know I don't eat junk food so they always try to get me wings. (they hate the vegetarian in me.) All in the trash. All of it. :D My ultimate thinspo is thinking about him. About how thin his girlfriend is.
So this is my lesson to drink more water I suppose. I hate how I can't talk about this with my friends. I won't even try, they couldn't begin to understand my dedication to beauty. To thin. Fellow ana's, you and Faye are all I need. And definitely no food. Or calories.
On another bright note, I'm completely revolted by the brownies now. Which is good, they're one of my biggest temptations. My after school binges are the worse. Any tips on how to get past them??
I started the day by weighing myself. 152.4. ugh. So I went to school, and on my way to lunch I was talking to some friends. I parted ways to go to the salad bar, and the school counsellor pulled me aside and said, "Have you lost weight?" I was ecstatic. I replied with, "Yeah, you can tell?" and she said, "You bet cha! You look skinny!" I smiled and thanked her while walking away. That's honestly the first comment I've gotten since losing the twenty pounds! So while I was congratulating myself, the voice in the back of my head kept whispering, you're too fat. you're not skinny ENOUGH. And oh, believe me, I know. I have WAYS to go. You know how people refer to her as Ana? The voice in her head? Well, I want to give her a name. So, from now on, she'll be Faye. I've always wished for that to be my name. It's such a beautiful name, fitting for how beautiful I will be in the future.
Anyway, I ate about five small pieces of lettuce, about four pineapple chunks and some bites off an apple. Not bad I guess, but there's always room for improvement. So 77 calories in the apple + About 50 in pineapple = 127. Ew. Well, then I continued with school. I started feeling dizzy near the end, so when I got home.. I admit, I binged a bit. But the good news is that most of it didn't make it to my mouth. I tried to eat about two brownies, only half of one actually made it. Spit the rest out. So, I'd say we add about 120 calories. 247 calories so far. And I ate a few bites of apple. Lets say.. about 30 calories. 277. I fell asleep, my dizziness overcoming me.
I woke up to my mom reminding me that I need to go to viola. That was horrific. I had my first pop in about two months, because I MISTAKENLY told them I was dizzy. Way to raise suspicion over my lack of food. I didn't finish it. Faye stayed with me through it all, whispering how many dead calories I was shamelessly absorbing. Ick. So I managed to avoid going to Symphony. I felt like I was going to throw up. I stayed home and worked out a bit, but mostly stayed on the computer. For about four hours I've been looking up thinspo and watching ED movies. (so far, The Best Little Girl In The World and A Secret Between Friends. I tried Hunger Point but I couldn't connect.) About an hour ago they ordered pizza, and they know I don't eat junk food so they always try to get me wings. (they hate the vegetarian in me.) All in the trash. All of it. :D My ultimate thinspo is thinking about him. About how thin his girlfriend is.
So this is my lesson to drink more water I suppose. I hate how I can't talk about this with my friends. I won't even try, they couldn't begin to understand my dedication to beauty. To thin. Fellow ana's, you and Faye are all I need. And definitely no food. Or calories.
On another bright note, I'm completely revolted by the brownies now. Which is good, they're one of my biggest temptations. My after school binges are the worse. Any tips on how to get past them??
Monday, January 17, 2011
Weight Update
I'm 151 exactly... Well it's better than what I thought it'd be, but not good enough.
I have dance tonight... I thought about how good my fast was going, which is cheating because I just woke up and it was like.. 4:30 pm. Anyway, I thought.. 'oh, maybe I should just eat an apple for energy. So I can burn more at dance." And I might, because we just got these good organic apples.. NO! Urgh.. I don't want to eat.
I won't eat. If I do, the consequences will be horrific.
Hopefully I won't update again tonight ladies, so if this is my last post then, good night. I'll update tomorrow for sure with my weight. For now, I'm gonna go take a shower! Night :)
I have dance tonight... I thought about how good my fast was going, which is cheating because I just woke up and it was like.. 4:30 pm. Anyway, I thought.. 'oh, maybe I should just eat an apple for energy. So I can burn more at dance." And I might, because we just got these good organic apples.. NO! Urgh.. I don't want to eat.
I won't eat. If I do, the consequences will be horrific.
Hopefully I won't update again tonight ladies, so if this is my last post then, good night. I'll update tomorrow for sure with my weight. For now, I'm gonna go take a shower! Night :)
Thoughts and such.
Happy MLK day! I know this is the second time I've posted today.. well, technically, not today, but whatever. I think I'll weigh in today whenever I wake up. I don't expect it to be low, hell, I'll be lucky if I'm 152. I hate my scale. I know I ate a lot on Saturday, but the scale at the fitness center said I was 154. Four pounds in not even twenty-four hours?... I don't know, but I do know I'm gonna try to fast today since I won't have to go to school. So later today I'll post my weight. Shit, I forgot the thingy.
HW: 175
Height: 5' 1
LW: 150
CW: 150-154?
And my goal weights just go down by fives. :) Ultimate goal isn't set yet.
can't wait to get this fucking shit off of me. Maybe I'll post a pic of my fat to encourage myself. Maybe. It's hideous, but it used to be A LOT worse. hmm.. how bout I make a deal with myself? Whenever I'm under 150 I'll take a picture. or or or, every time I reach a goal weight I take a picture.. Aah, sure. It'll encourage me. warning, though, whenever I post a picture of my blubber, be aware that there are many stretch marks/scars. My favorite says MGMT across my tummy.. Well, ta ta for now!
HW: 175
Height: 5' 1
LW: 150
CW: 150-154?
And my goal weights just go down by fives. :) Ultimate goal isn't set yet.
can't wait to get this fucking shit off of me. Maybe I'll post a pic of my fat to encourage myself. Maybe. It's hideous, but it used to be A LOT worse. hmm.. how bout I make a deal with myself? Whenever I'm under 150 I'll take a picture. or or or, every time I reach a goal weight I take a picture.. Aah, sure. It'll encourage me. warning, though, whenever I post a picture of my blubber, be aware that there are many stretch marks/scars. My favorite says MGMT across my tummy.. Well, ta ta for now!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
In The Beginning...
About seven months ago, I finally realized what I had to do to become beautiful. Sick of looking at myself in the mirror and questioning, "Why am I so fucking fat?", I decided to take action. Oh, believe me, it started gradually though. I replaced Sprite with water. I became a vegetarian. Then, when school started, I sat for the whole.. what is it, about twenty minutes of lunch? Yeah. Twenty minutes. I sat through, watching my companions eat eat eat eat eat while I consumed nothing. I feel so superior to them, they succumbed to the hunger that I have control over. It's the only thing I have control over. Normally, I would say, "okay. That's enough about that." but I won't :) This is my blog and you decided to read, so I'll just write. Anyway, about a month ago I started trashing my dinners, falling asleep to the sweet sound of my tummy rumbling. Now, going back seven months. I weighed around 175 pounds, and with the water diet I lost about three pounds or so, putting me at 173. But I classify that as 'before ana'. As of right now, I am teetering between 150 and 154. I'll tell you why after my life story. :)
I started playing the viola in third grade, loved it ever since then. For those who don't know, the viola is a violin that's bigger and doesn't go nearly as high. But it can. Oh boy, it can. The viola is the glue that makes the violin's and cello's mix in perfect harmony. Fourth grade was great. Fifth grade is where my depression officially started, which I haven't gotten out of since then. But let me tell you it's been over four years of depression, and it started over my mom having to get many serious surgeries. She spent at least a week a month there, so I can sadly tell you that I know every bump, curve and dip in the road leading to the hospital by heart. I know every nook and cranny of floor seven and floor four. I remember every pained look crossing her face, moments of sheer vulnerability passing us by. She has diverticulitis and had a hole in her colon when we first brought her in, and the doctors tell us that if we wouldn't have brought her in she would've died in twenty-four hours. Fast forward three or four years later and she's in recovery, where we can't get her sick or else.. well, who knows what'll happen.
Next part of this story is about my abusive father. He's only physically abused me twice, but verbally it's anytime he's awake. He comes home from work, yells and my mom and I then goes to sleep till dinner is ready, which is usually take out, dining in restruants or drive thru, which, as I'm sure you've guessed, is the reason for my obesity. He's constantly yelling, calling names, and threatening. I hate him so much. I don't really want to talk about it. So.. my brother for the next topic? He's twenty-five and a hippy. His name is Brett. We used to watch out for each other, but he moved out and now lives with his abusive girlfriend, Catlin. whooo. Moving on, our family has two dachshunds, Oscar and Myra, two guinea pigs, Frodo and Barney, and some fish. Frodo's mine, and that's basically it, but I've been begging for a basset hound for years. Or a corgi.
Moving back to ANA! (deja vu, seen that in my dreams!) Remember how I've been teetering between 150 and 154? This past weekend was this thing called String Fling, where if you live near the area and you play a stringed instrument, you come and play for seven hours on Saturday and two hours on Sunday then after practicing on Sunday, you play a concert. Then Martin Luther King day is the day afterwards, so its a win-win situation. Anyway, I knew I couldn't throw away the food with my parents sharing a hotel room with me, so I ate lunch with them at HuHot's Mongolian Grill. I tried to eat as less as I could. I ate a bowl of noodles and artificial Krab, accompanied with water. Loads of water. So by the time orchestra was over for the day, we went back. Luckily, I could feel my stomach stir, but I was still full. My dad fell asleep (not surprising) so my mom and I went to the mall. I loved the walking around. She asked if I was hungry and I said I was still full from lunch, which she somehow believed. It was around at least 8 pm and we had lunch at noon! So we went back to the hotel and she ended up taking room service, waking my dad up so they could eat. I was preoccupied with taking a shower and drying my hair and such, so I didn't seem hungry to them. Around 9 my mom fell asleep, but before she did she handed me tootsie pops we got from the mall. Ooooh, Tootsie pops, sushi and Asian food in general are my biggest cravings! So.. needless to say, I ate all four of them. So at 9:30, I went down to the fitness room. Not much to say except that I burned 400 calories and did at least two miles on the elliptical and five miles on the pedaler. Dad came down at 11 to collect me. Not bad at all. So that leads me to today, where I lucked out of eating lunch by falling asleep on the ride home. Booyah!
So, my last portion I'll tell you about is my love life. A year ago, I went to the mall with some friends. I saw a guy and I instantly knew I liked him. It's always like that for me, the typical 'love at first sight' thing. (Something I forgot to tell you earlier that I don't feel like going back and including, my city has this Friday night skate things where the teens go and it's where all the useless drama happens. It's like a club for teens.) Anyway, knowing that, I realized that he goes skating. (and by skating, it practically means walking around with friends and starting drama.) So that;s where I was, noticing him everywhere and I didn't even know his name. Come to find out his name is Tylor, and one of my best friends liked him. She's insanely pretty, so I tried even harder to get over him, knowing my fat ass had no chance. But it was impossible. Months carried on, and he'd always be at the back of my mind. Yeah, I dated other guys, but I never forgot Tylor. I was driven so insane by this that I broke down and told a friend. Ever since then, she's been reminding him every time I bring him up how much I like him. Needless to say, he stopped going skating for a while. (probably thinks I stalk him) He came back on New Years. That's where I am right now, unable to talk to him but completely obsessing at the same minute. He has a girlfriend, and has for a year or two since I saw him.
So that's my life right now. Next blog will most likely be about Drug use and Ana. Advice would be lovely, hate mail wouldn't. Tschau!
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